The precocious baby known for turning millions on to online trading, and making millions for himself, is reportedly blowing through his fortune at an alarming rate since E-Trade pulled the plug on the commercial campaign which made him famous.
‘E’, as his friends know him, has been spending like a drunken baby sailor in the last year on things like hookers, booze and gambling.
“Hey! YOLO, bitches. Am I right?” he mumbled through a haze of pot smoke, surrounded by playmates at the ‘Little Shits Day Care’ he calls home during the day when his mom and dad are at work.
“E-Trade effed up, man. I was the hottest thing going for that company.” E continued, “I guess I can’t be too bitter though. It was a good run. In a couple of years I’ll be starting elementary school and that’s gonna kick ass!”
Some of his friends at the day care were supportive of E’s plight and offered words of encouragement. Three and a half year-old Jason, his best friend, said “I thought he really gave good advice. He helped me understand some of the industry dynamics of the stocks my mom and dad own and whether their valuations are attractive on an absolute or a relative basis.”
Christy, a four year-old with a crush on E, stated, “I feel for him. Fifteen minutes of fame is quite a long time when you’re only two or three. For it to come crashing down so suddenly is a real blow.” She then headed over to hand E a fresh juice bottle, spiked with tequila.
The famous toddler, with an attractive woman under each arm, promised to be back in the limelight again someday. “I should probably be saving my money for college but I’ll be back in a Super Bowl commercial before you have time to miss me. And it’s just a matter of time before they start calling me for “E-Trade: The Movie!”