A beaming yet horribly disfigured Bethany Storros met with reporters today to announce her place on the 2011 Showtime fall schedule. The Vancouver native, savoring the notoriety generated by her self-mutilation and false claims of a racially motivated attack, was excited yet anxious about her new career path.
“It’s all happening so fast. I don’t mind telling you, it makes my hideously disfigured head spin! This whole thing was a gamble; I can’t believe it paid off, really. There were times of doubt when I thought no girl who doesn’t have a dozen babies [could] be famous, and where am I going to get all those babies in time for the 2011 fall schedule? So I went with gently applying drain cleaner to my face and blaming it on [the ever convenient] African-American. This is kind of the American dream playing out before my eyes now. Hello Hollywood!”
In the as yet untitled series, rumored to have already been picked up by Showtime or E!, Ms. Storros will play a quirky, lovable, brilliant research chemist injured in a freak, unavoidable lab accident, who awakens from a coma to learn she’s gained the ability to communicate telepathically with animals. Using this talent, the character will solve murders while winning back the love of her estranged ex-husband, who always cared for her, but didn’t really understand her.
Sources tell GlossyNews.com that the series has been signed for an eight-episodes trial, and Betty White will portray the lovable town Veterinarian who seeks assorted animal parts to graft onto the tip of her nose, allowing room for countless comedic mishaps to ensue.
Said Ms. Storros, “Yeah, it’s sure going to be a lot different than working at the grocery store, but I needed a change of scenery anyway. My new job won’t be a bed of roses; I mean, let’s face it? The entertainment industry can be quite caustic at times. People in Hollywood casually make very stinging remarks about others. They can be two-faced, and I’ve only got one face, horribly disfigured though it may be. I’m ready to take on this new career challenge. If I fail? Eh, I’ll blame it on African-Americans, right?”
In a totally unrelated story, High School Chemistry labs across the nation are reporting a sudden shortage of Sulfuric Acid supplies, inconveniently at the start of their academic calendars. Nobody can figure out where it’s going and experts at the CDC and Viacom, both headquartered in Atlanta, Georgia, have thus far refused to speculate.