Acid Hoax Pays-Off w/ Major TV Contract, Minor Disfigurement

A beaming yet horribly disfigured Bethany Storros met with reporters today to announce her place on the 2011 Showtime fall schedule. The Vancouver native, savoring the notoriety generated by her self-mutilation and false claims of a racially motivated attack, was excited yet anxious about her new career path.

“It’s all happening so fast. I don’t mind telling you, it makes my hideously disfigured head spin! This whole thing was a gamble; I can’t believe it paid off, really. There were times of doubt when I thought no girl who doesn’t have a dozen babies [could] be famous, and where am I going to get all those babies in time for the 2011 fall schedule? So I went with gently applying drain cleaner to my face and blaming it on [the ever convenient] African-American. This is kind of the American dream playing out before my eyes now. Hello Hollywood!”

In the as yet untitled series, rumored to have already been picked up by Showtime or E!, Ms. Storros will play a quirky, lovable, brilliant research chemist injured in a freak, unavoidable lab accident, who awakens from a coma to learn she’s gained the ability to communicate telepathically with animals. Using this talent, the character will solve murders while winning back the love of her estranged ex-husband, who always cared for her, but didn’t really understand her.

Sources tell that the series has been signed for an eight-episodes trial, and Betty White will portray the lovable town Veterinarian who seeks assorted animal parts to graft onto the tip of her nose, allowing room for countless comedic mishaps to ensue.

Said Ms. Storros, “Yeah, it’s sure going to be a lot different than working at the grocery store, but I needed a change of scenery anyway. My new job won’t be a bed of roses; I mean, let’s face it? The entertainment industry can be quite caustic at times. People in Hollywood casually make very stinging remarks about others. They can be two-faced, and I’ve only got one face, horribly disfigured though it may be. I’m ready to take on this new career challenge. If I fail? Eh, I’ll blame it on African-Americans, right?”

In a totally unrelated story, High School Chemistry labs across the nation are reporting a sudden shortage of Sulfuric Acid supplies, inconveniently at the start of their academic calendars. Nobody can figure out where it’s going and experts at the CDC and Viacom, both headquartered in Atlanta, Georgia, have thus far refused to speculate.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

11 thoughts on “Acid Hoax Pays-Off w/ Major TV Contract, Minor Disfigurement

  1. Actually Lib, it isn’t. In one of the first scenes you see the real Christ doing a serious sermon on the mount while the camera backs up to show the Monty Python regulars at the bottom of the hill getting on someone about picking his nose. The scene serves to show that the ‘Brian’ in the story is not Christ. It is really a hilarious romp over someone who gets mistaken for the Messiah and obviously isn’t. It won’t dent anyone’s religiousity to view it.

  2. No kidding rfreed? That’s hilarious! I’ve never seen ‘Life of Brian’ cause I couldn’t give it fair viewing, given the topic.

    My bit was expansion on a scene in ‘Prince & the Pauper’ where poor kid’s born healthy, and his dad is bitching that lame beggar kids get more coins.

  3. Today’s sermon was about Peter & John healing the crippled beggar. And the beggar jumps up and says, “Well that’s just great! I asked for spare change and you healed me. What am I supposed to do for a living now?”

    OK maybe I’m off on a few unimportant details, but I’m pretty sure it went like that.

  4. Oh, I’m reading… so get back to work!

    I’m also glad to see we’ve usurped the scant few trolls we’ve had. Sure enough, just hold them to account quick enough and they magically disappear.

    Hey Liberties, go to and make an account using the same email you use for your Glossy account and you’ll have a picture on here like us cooler kids. 😉

  5. Well being an habitual smartass can exact a toll on one’s personal life, but we’re valuable to the culture.

    In microcosm, the value of smartass emerges in comment threads, not by design but cause smartass is an organic response.

    Whether the target is Beck, Palin, Obama, or Ms. Beckert’s little perpetual motion Apache immigration policy article, always just a matter of time before somebody offers, “Yeah, but ya gotta admit..”

    Smartasses would always rather laugh than yell.

    Gotta get ready for Church now.

  6. Having a general forum to discuss stuff like what I’m about to say would be great(if you’re reading Brian.) My hats off to all my fellow Glossy writers for a spirited debate that was defused not by a moderator but by each of the writers themselves, with humor, which is what this site is about and which is what shows why this site is my favorite. When things seem to be heating up, someone douses it with a bit of satire and the world goes on. Good job!

  7. Good one! I can see it now, a new reality show called..Find Me A Face! Where contestants use parts from a Mr. Potato Head game to create faces for each other.

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