SOMEWHERE, USA (GlossyNews) — Another Friday the 13th came and went without incident. It’s as if the Universe doesn’t take itself seriously anymore. Mars can run retrograde and Saturn can be humping Venus (relatively speaking of course) and still life goes on without so much as a blip.
Until now. Quietly staying behind in the shadows was the bad news of the century waiting its turn to slap the face of every serious beer guzzler out there. Thursday’s business section, August 12th, jumping the gun on every conceivable Friday the 13th doomsday scenario, “The price of a pint may be going up 40%!”
Forget killer bugs, killer storms and the worst oil spill in history. What we’re faced with now is an alcoholic tsunami unlike any we’ve ever seen in history. Without cheap beer to get us through these tough times, we are basically screwed.
When the economy is bad, beer has always been there to help us out of the abyss, to make things seem alright even if only for a short time while we lay sprawled on the floor of some pub, oblivious to the terrible disasters occurring around us. If we awoke with a feeling of dread, we just hobbled down to the quickie mart and bought some more brain balm and again, the world was rosy.
But brain balm is now gonna cost more and with the economy the way it is, some are going to have to forego essentials like rent and groceries to keep the malty medicament flowing. Oh, make no mistake, we’ll find the money somehow. Sell our blood or a kidney, rob a bank, hit the folks up for their social security checks first of the month. The money will find its way to the barkeeps’ tills one way or another, but wouldn’t it be nice, just once, to hear this bit of news, “Beer prices down this quarter, drinks all around.”