A virulent outbreak of rabies was reported today at Fox News Headquarters. The horrible madness inducing disease appears to have spread through the top hosts of the station, then been transmitted to station employees and, strangely, even to their listeners. The initiation of the epidemic seems to have started with Sean Hannity who, in the middle of his show, started foaming at the mouth.
“This was nothing unusual with him.” stated Red Bigneck. “He quite often froths during his program. It was when he leaned over and tore half the neck off the KKK leader he was interviewing that we became concerned. Susy brought him a cup of coffee and sweetly said, ‘You obviously didn’t have your coffee today, did you sweet ‘ums?’ and he mounted her like a crazed gorilla. Then she got it and we had to lock both of them in the studio so they couldn’t get us.”
“Soon we realized it wasn’t just him.” added Melissa Shameblamer. “We found Michael Savage huddled in a corner growling at anyone who came near. We finally threw a stuffed Hillary Clinton puppet at him which he instantly shredded to bits with his teeth. It did distract him enough for us to lasso and tie him to a file cabinet.”
“Ann Coulter was found running around with a pocket knife emasculating any men she came across. ‘Viva la difference!’ she would yell as she did it. Thank God we stopped her before she got out on the street! She had this crazy big-eyed stare on her face. Actually, she’s always had that now that I think of it.”
Rush Limbaugh was found naked in a bathroom eating a rat he had dug out of the wall. Four employees were bit and thereby contracted rabies trying to take it away from him. Several mentioned that seeing him naked was grosser than seeing him eat the rat. Fortunately he was high on Oxycotin at the time otherwise there might have been even more casualties.
The strangest aspect of the whole infection is that it somehow managed to jump from the station to its television and radio listeners. Almost simultaneously it leapt across the airwaves to construction sites, beauty parlors, union halls and factory floors across the nation. Infected listeners suddenly attacked anyone who was a racial minority, an artist, worked at a library or had an Obama sticker on their car. Law enforcement agents everywhere had to put down the most violent of the offenders. Unfortunately, many of the law enforcement agents were also listening to Fox broadcasts.
There is much speculation as to the source of the outbreak. Suspicion seems to fall on Rupert Murdoch, the Australian owner of Fox who was found in his office gnawing on the bones of his secretary. Police detectives believe that Murdoch might have picked up the disease while in his native homeland where wild animals carry it, some of those wild animals being his fellow Australians.