WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans have been left in shock after President Obama issued a statement characterizing Nat King Cole’s famous “Christmas Song” as homophobic.
In a press conference held late on Friday, Obama explained that his uneasiness with the classic tune stems from the following verse:
They know that Santa’s on his way
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh,
And ev’ry mother’s child is gonna spy,
To see if reindeer really know how to fly.
According to the president, the words “ev’ry mother’s child” unfairly discriminate against children born to gay men, who do not have mothers. As he detailed to a Central Central News reporter:
“It is widely accepted, firmly understood, and has been for a long time that gay men are just as capable of impregnating one another as straight individuals. And let me be clear: these butt babies are no less beautiful than their more common counterparts. In fact, I intend to be reincarnated as one.”
When questioned on what Cole’s motivation might have been for the lyrics, Obama pursed his lips and thought for a moment, only to respond:
“White-straight-male-cisprivilege-patriarchy-bigotry.”
Speaking outside the Capitol Building, Republicans reeled in surprise at the revelation. John Boehner fought back tears as he said, “I didn’t realize my favorite song could be so hateful. As a fellow man of color, I want everyone to know that I will come forward and take a stand against this despicable hatred.”
Flanking him was Senator Ted Cruz, who pledged once more to: “Repeal Obamacare for the American People.”
Sometime later, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz joined Boehner for a photo op and press conference in which she confessed to having been born “the other way,” and thus lived for years enduring the hateful song of the white male patriarchy.
So far, Miers Porgan has yet to release a statement regarding his opinion on the matter.