In a surprising development this morning layoff notices were delivered to the 45 employees of the company who work in the print division. This was an unexpected move coming so close on the heels of the recent tenth anniversary.
Locked in a heated battle for overall supremacy of the satire market with long time rival The Onion, GlossyNews has consistently shown class and humor while it’s competitor has only occasionally shown either.
Long term employees were upset by the announcement and we were able to get comments from several of them as they left the production facility for the last time.
“I’ve been here before they even knew what they were printing was satire and not news, dumb asses,” said Melvin Dirth. “Now all I’ve got left are a few good memories, a bad back, and half a six pack of Mickey’s Ale.”
“It really irks me that upper management is showing off those fancy watches they got at Walmart while I’m left with nothing,” stated David Raye. “I can’t even get unemployment because they would only pay me under the table.”
Contacted for an official statement, assistant junior editor Brian K. White issued this statement,
“We are just going through an adjustment period right now. We have always been a web news site so it’s surprising they didn’t see this coming. Everyone is a little agitated from the print shop right now and we are hoping that they are able to eventually come to grips with this change and can move on with their lives. We especially hope that guy John, the one who always wears the cammo, is not going to cause us problems.”
HEY!
WHY ISN’T MY UNEMPLOYMENT COMING THROUGH?????????
As the owner and editor of Glossy News I can tell you that I, for one, am shocked by this announcement… does this mean I don’t have to come to work tomorrow?