Man Awakes from Coma; Wonders Where All His MySpace Friends Are

After spending 6 years in a comatose condition stemming from a bizarre bungee jumping accident during an otherwise raucous and spirited Spring break in Cancun, local man Bryce Peters, now 27, has incredibly regained consciousness.

Doctors always remained hopeful of his recovery, as hi-tech scans showed as recently as last month that his brain continued to function almost completely normal.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Now, In addition to some intense physical rehabilitation, the main roadblock Bryce currently faces is his acute obsession with the lack of activity on his MySpace page.

Tears of joy streamed down his mother’s face as she, along with other family members, rushed to Bryce’s side when doctors called with the good news. Over the next few hours, however, it became increasingly apparent that Mr. Peters’ wasn’t all that thrilled to be reunited with his family, instead he was completely perplexed about the state of his MySpace page. “I used to have over 600 friends on Myspace, and now there’s 43…what is up with that?”

As family members tried to tell him about who the president is, which teams have won the Super bowl, and other current events, he just shook his head. “Honestly, my page is still as cool as it was 6 years ago. Sure, I could have updated my background and added some new music, but Jesus Christ…I was in a coma, is that any reason for everyone to de-friend me?”

In an effort to calm him down, his old college roommate Jesse Miller, who drove 150 miles to see Bryce when he heard the news, whipped out his Smartphone and started to explain that many people preferred a more user-friendly social networking site called Facebook. Bryce didn’t want to hear anything about it. He just stared blankly at his 2003 Acer laptop and continued to mutter “where they hell are all of my Myspace friends?”

“I spent months memorizing complex HTML codes so I could post cool photos, customized backgrounds and even blogs with video links! How could people just walk away from something so awesome?”

His old girlfriend Diane had her iPad with her, and tried to show him how to use Twitter, but he seemed completely disinterested, continuing to just stare at his laptop.

“And the quizzes. Wow….I can’t even count how many great quizzes and surveys I filled out, posted to my page and passed along to my friends so they could fill them out, too!? Where did they all go??”

As his rant continued, his Uncle Mike arrived, bringing his favorite meal, baked Lasagna, from a local Italian restaurant. But even then, Bryce barely even acknowledged it. “OK….now I’m going to lose it…..where is MySpace Tom? He was my first friend. There’s no way in hell he would leave me hanging.”

Bryce was referring to Tom Anderson, co-founder of the Website who automatically became your first friend when you joined MySpace. Alas, even when he later learned on Wikipedia that MySpace’s Tom abandoned the social networking site in 2010, it still wasn’t enough evidence for him to realize that times have changed.

Doctors remarked that it wasn’t unusual for a patient to be disoriented or behave strangely in the first few days when they wake up from a prolonged coma. But the fixation with MySpace was something they’ve never seen before..

Even as his 16 year old niece Miranda called MySpace “Totally Ghetto” and laughed at his mourning of the unfashionable social network site, Bryce promised to remain loyal. “I love MySpace, and I’ll never stop updating my page, regardless of how many people deserted me!” As the room grew quiet over his increased anger, Bryce paused, looked up at the TV, and asked if someone could turn the channel to My Name is Earl.