Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.
The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC.
“Although there was, undeniably, a significant level of digital penetration, I believe it was in some way consensual.” When quizzed about whether protection was used, Assange slithered, “My position is that the US system of diplomatic cables should be responsible for wearing its own protection.”
The statement was delivered in the wake of what was a frustrating glitch in extradition proceedings for American officials. Great Britain, with her free and often intrusive media and emphasis on politician scrutiny, do not have a corresponding charge of “Diplomatic Career Rape”.
In fact, as most current and former British parliamentary ministers would attest, the practice is in many cases tacitly encouraged, and in others sponsored directly by various candidates for office.
President Obama publicly stated he wants Julian Assange in custody. “I want this little twerp tortured in Guantanamo, which, by the way, no matter what you may be hearing in the news, I am still going to shut down.” Asked about the fate of Private Bradley Manning, President Obama elaborated, “It would be unfair and premature for me to discuss the allegations against Private Manning, or for that matter any traitor.”
The president quickly added, “Allegedly an alleged traitor.”
When pressed as to whether that was a double-negative, meaning that Manning is in fact a traitor, he put down his Kool Menthol 100, smiled, and declared the press conference over.