Critic Pans ‘True Grit’, Deported for Failure to Show Long-Form Birth Certificate

This normally quiet Midwestern town has been shaken to its foundation in recent days, due to the shocking news of a traitor at work among its peaceful, tree lined streets.

At issue is Ms. Wanda Carlson’s latest writing in the Tri-City Dispatch. In her usually well received ‘Pass the Popcorn’ column Carlson began, “Me and Harv went to see that ‘True Grit’ thing and I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just a competent remake of a formulaic Western.”

And then it got even worse, according to patrons at Sue’s Rendezvous, a popular diner just off the bypass. Said proprietor Sue Eubanks, “I don’t know how anybody could be so dumb as to dismiss a work of cinematic genius. So obviously she’s not ignorant; she’s evil.”

School bus driver Al Gunderson was quick to agree with Eubanks’ assessment. “Yeah, person would have to be blind to miss the Italian neo-realism influences, but it’s a lot more than that. ‘True Grit’ is a loving homage to the quintessential American narrative. I just can’t get over a woman who hates America living among us all these years.”

The formerly close-knit community now finds itself deeply divided between those who want Carlson tarred & feathered and others who want her publicly whipped. Citing his respect for First Amendment rights, Sheriff Jarrod Barkley has guaranteed around the clock protection for the beleaguered Carlson. Except for Saturday; he has to be out of town all Saturday.

The controversy’s implications have now spread far beyond the bucolic picket fences and tire swings of America’s heartland. The entertainment industry has risen en masse to defend the Coen Brothers, Jeff Bridges, and that little girl with the funny hat.

Glo-Mar Films CEO Lane Fontana summed up the Hollywood outrage saying, “We make movies, so we’re the experts. If we want to collectively drool on something, our freedom of speech is violated when anybody disagrees with us.”

Media watchers have dubbed the scandal ‘Grit-gate’ although sporadically employed pundit Carl Tuckerson refers to it as ‘Gritageddon’ and insists Wanda Carlson should face a firing squad.

The Obama administration has been quick to respond. Wanda and ‘Harv’ Carlson’s citizenship has been revoked via Executive Order. The President said the couple has 72 hours to “get the Hell out of America.”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

2 thoughts on “Critic Pans ‘True Grit’, Deported for Failure to Show Long-Form Birth Certificate

  1. Yeah, I really had fun writing this one rfreed. Lucked up, and the different elements balanced nicely I thought.

    I got to mock that smarmy ‘journalism’ habit of stereotyping rural America as Rockwell-ish, took a swipe at how bizarre some folks’ understanding of First Amendment is, and suggested that even in our contentious nation, some things become cultural orthodoxy so woe is she who treads there.

    And just wanted to remind u Rfreed, Sheriff Barkley has to be out of town all Saturday…