Judge Judy’s Guide to Life

Hi. My name’s Judge Judy. Welcome to my courtroom. You obviously have seen me on TV telling stupid imbeciles wasting my time to go get a life!

I’m here today to teach you all the formula on how to become successful, powerful, and rich like I am, although I seriously doubt you’ll ever be as rich and successful as me.

It’s not too late to shed your overly self-conscious weakling self to take charge of any situation, where you never feel the need to explain, complain, or apologize when there’s nothing to apologize for as you drill into somebody’s thick head that you’re better than they are. The trick is to make that someone else believe you’re better, whether or not you actually are. In my case, I’ve known for a long time there’s nobody who could possibly be better than me.

Milquetoasts should stop with the bellyaching and simpering about how things “should” be. As the master of telling it like it is, I’ll let you in on my little secret. I should have been five-foot eight, but in reality, I’m only five-three, but I’m a big five-three. Remember David versus Goliath?–you know who came out on top.

I let some moron on a TV gossip show have it when the other day he falsely claimed I’m only 5’1” and that I probably wear a wig. Schmuck! Don’t worry, he’ll be the one who’s crying after I sue his behind in court for 50 million dollars for lying about me and general out-right rudeness. Make that 100 million dollars.

You all know that when I walk into a courtroom all people rise and why they call me “your honor” whenever they have the honor to appear before me in court. Why, you ask, am I famous, fabulous and fantastic and you’re not? It’s because I’m savvy and smart, not because I’m gorgeous, although I am, and if you live to be 100, you’ll never be my equal. Man or woman, in my courtroom I let the losers know who’s numero uno.

Gutless wonders should look to take-no-prisoners role models such as Arnold (The Terminator) Schwarzenegger, Dirty Harry/Clint (Make My Day) Eastwood or Sylvester (Rambo) Stallone. I’ve got to believe they learned from me, the Judge, how to get the job done!

Sure, I hear people argue that having self-confidence and trust in yourself doesn’t always guarantee success. They point to guys like Saddam Hussein or Benito Mussolini who you would never say were the shy retiring type. Obviously, in the end it didn’t work out so great for them, but then again, that’s a minor technicality.

The trouble with somebody like Mussolini was that he took it too personally when his supposed buddy and ally Adolph Hitler made fun of the way he strutted around with his chest thrust up in the air, which you might have noticed ended up with Mussolini hanging upside down on a rope. Mussolini let his sensitive “feelings” get the better of him, which is maybe why he lost the war. You can bet all your money in the world that would never happen with me!

So listen, you wimps out there, take a tip from Judge Judy, a certified genius. Stop with the complaining and whimpering, man/woman up, get off your keister and go on offense, even if means someone accuses you of being a loudmouth–but tough, if that’s what it takes, where you make the other person feel like a brainless nincompoop to show who’s boss.

If people don’t like it, too bad that’s their problem, not yours. You hear me? Good. Case closed. Next!