Labour Leak #68/9: Controversial Miliband Replacement Short List (1)

Thought there were no convincing(-ish) short notice candidates to replace Ed Milliband when the last-minute coup occurs?

You were wrong!

Or rather…

Subjected-By-Petty-Bourgeois-Ideology-To-The-Mystifications-Of-Late-Capitalist-False-Consciousness™.

(Huh? Anyone? Nah… me neither).

This leak reveals the impeccably credentialed (within reason) Left-Wing-Working-Class-Heroes/Elite-University-Graduates™ who might fill the gaping void soon to be left by The-Once-And-Never-PM.

Nick Clegg: UK. Liberal Democrats, Apprentice IntCom Cadre, Genuinely-Hard-To-Hate-Top-Marks-For-Effortist.

Pros:

1. Unlike Milliband, Corporal Clegg is on board a sinking ship/party with a clear identity crisis, and which doesn’t know where it’s going in future. Hence, it would be incredibly easy to lure His-Most-Exalted-Fewer-Than-30ness into leaping aboard.

2. He’s Nick CLEGG, so he’s nicer than the other Nick (see instalment 2 of this article).

3. More crucially, Cleggy’s the #1-Fairly-Genial-And-Wouldn’t-Mind-Having-A-Piss-Up-With-Him leader of the top four parties.

(Or #2, depending on your preference).

Cons:

1. No one will vote for him.

King Abdullah: Saudi Arabia. IntCom Cadre (Token Observer Status).

Pros:

1. True Third Way candidate (in both the 1930s and the mid-1990s senses of the term).

Firstly, he’s hostile to the public/private distinction… to the point of executing people who don’t agree with all his theocratic bullshit.

Secondly, Saudi trade law is fairly free-market.

So he’s definitely a balanced social democratic candidate.

Cons:

1. If the UK unilaterally elects a Muslim PM without IntCom’s permission, the future Highly-Strung-Neocon-Regime of Jeb or Hillary will turn the UK into a nuclear wasteland.

Tony Blair: UK. New Labour, Pro-Bono IntCom Cadre (Token Observer Status), Sub-Bono Humanitarian Celebrity.

Pros:

1. High profile, slick, airbrushed political celebrity figure.

2. F*** all else.

3. Oh wait, he has God on his side… that’s got to count for something, right?

… Then again, so have Khameini/Putin/Modi/Bono.

4. Oh, and he made the trains run on time.

Well, not literally… ever tried using a UK rail network?

… But I guess you know what I mean.

Cons:

1. Excuse the various levels of punning on “con” as “disadvantage/neocon/shyster.”

2. “Blair’s Law.” Every time a warmongering militarist with “Special-Relationship-Syndrome” (the deadliest paraphilia of all) becomes a UK Prime Minister, the mathematical probability of violent insurrection inches a few more % points closer to 1.

Note: Despite any malicious and disingenuous comparisons that might be made in light of the foregoing appeal to probability theory, Blair’s Law is ENTIRELY UNRELATED to Godwin’s Law (regardless of any merely superficial formal similarities).

…Because OBVIOUSLY, Godwin’s Law is about HITLER, and is hence UTTERLY IRRELEVANT to any serious discussion of Blairitism).

David Cameron: UK. (Neo-)Conservative Party, IntCom Cadre (Token Observer Status), Achingly-Sympathetic-Pleb-Enabler.

Pros:

1. Somehow managed to get elected before.

2. More crucially, a prominent Warmongering-Arch-Blairite (excuse the tautology) in the Golden Pigsty.

Cons:

1. On the other hand, point two is not certain. Perhaps, conversely, Blair was the Arch-Cameronite of 1990s Westminster.

Robert Mugabe: Zimbabwe. Zanu-PF, Casualty Of Mugabe-Mandela Western Media Double Bind.

Pros:

1. Not much (although probably more than Blair and Cameron, to be fair).

2. He’s black… and Labour cynically present themselves as the party that (yes, as always, Unlike-All-The-Rest™), are not racist (or otherwise prejudiced) in any way whatsoever.

Cons:

1. Labour are not ACTUALLY pro-black/pro-woman/pro-gay/pro-disabled, or anything else…

They’re pro-THEMSELVES, and are just playing the game in order to keep up the transparent pretense that their conspicuous benevolence is somehow genuine, sincere, and authentic.

2. The Tories and the others are similarly hypocritical. Hence, there’s every chance Mugabe could jump ship to another party.

John Stuart Mill: UK. Liberal Party, Hate Figure For Sexually Frustrated Trotskyites.

Pros:

1. Although tragically committed to the colonialist agenda of his day, he was in other respects a principled, ethically committed, and intelligent figure.

Cons:

1. He’s dead. So a bit of a dark horse candidate…

Still, if all else fails, we can requisition his embalmed corpse from that Londonweenieland College, and give him a token vote. (He’s been doing that for countless years anyway).

2. Oh wait, no! That was Bentham. Shit.

PROFESSOR (N.B.) Richard Dawkins: UK. Twitter Troll, Conspicuously Enlightened Savant, Critical Critic, Jack-Of-All-Trades, Evolutionary Scientist.

Pros:

1. “Doesn’t do God.”

2. Supports the patriarchal prerogative of men to “gently advise” women to “abort” a disabled “fetus.”

Well, reprehensible view, yes… but entirely consistent with the left wing historical roots of such thinking.

3. Immaculate, unrivaled, overweening sense of superiority over (and condescension towards), the Unenlightened-Ignorant-Unwashed-Superstitious-Uneducated-“Anti-Choice”-Herd™. Perfect socialist candidate.

Cons:

1. Too charismatic, witty, and genial to be a Labour Leader.

(Well, that’s not saying much, is it?)

Mehdi Hasan: UK. Enthusiastic Debater, Online Op-Ed/Social Media Writer, Famously-Non-Daily-Mail-Journalist, (Somewhat) Notable Public Figure.

Pros:

1. His innumerable meaningful, thought-provoking, and intellectually stimulating public debates with Richard Dawkins…

Every single one of them revolving around the profoundly compelling conundrum of whether or not it is possible in a purely literal (rather than merely figurative sense) for a man to fly on a winged horse to Jerusalem.

Cons:

1. Oh, come on. Seriously… Mehdi Hasan?!

Kim Jong-Un: North Korea. Workers’ (sic) Party Of Korea, Star of “Xiao Pingguo” Unofficial Viral Video.

Pros:

1. Fairly non centrist left wing figure, certain to appease the old guard of The Party (sorry, I meant the Labour Party).

So, if you are disillusioned by “New Labour”, and long for the magnificent epoch of Our Glorious Leader… sorry, of Our Harold… then this could be the boss for you.

Cons:

1. None that a bit of cynical neo-Blairite/neo-Campbellite spin doctoring couldn’t make a merit of.

2. Oh, wait! One particular sticking-point…

Believes the Labour Party are Bourgeois-Revisionist-Reactionary-Opportunists™, who should all be sent to the Gulags.

… This might make the fine art of the Cynical-Blairite-Pragmatist-Compromise™ a TINY bit more challenging for his colleagues.

Tommy Robinson: UK. Former English Defence League, Social-Mayhem-Warrior.

Pros:

1. Conspicuously dynamic thinker, consummately “flexible in his positions.” The former leader of a bigoted anti-Muslim organization has already seen the error of his hooliganistic ways.

Hence, an archetypical Blairite/Cameronite/Standard-Issue-Neocon who clearly comprehends the art of pragmatically and creatively responding to given contextual requirements.

2. Doesn’t launch Blairite air strikes against innocent people…

Merely intimidates them, harasses them, and makes their lives a living hell.

Cons:

1. So still a bit of a nob, then.

WHO’S NEXT?

F*** off, Tony! You’ve done enough damage already…