(Great Falls, VA.) – To the horror of the entire Clinton clan, ultrasound results have proven that Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with a conservative child.
The family was overjoyed at the initial news of the pregnancy but, upon learning of the test results, have gone into a time of mourning over its political affiliation.
Mrs. Clinton was shocked when their nurse informed them of the news. “I’m speechless and don’t know what I’m going to do! How could this happen to me? Why have I been cursed?”
“I had them triple check the results.” Chelsea continued, “The DNC is going to hate me! How do I prove to my parents that I really didn’t sleep with Satan himself?! On top of that, it’s a girl! A conservative girl. How can I live with the shame?”
The nurse told the family the baby appeared to be a Democrat at first because it was mooching off its mother for everything but, upon closer examination, the pictures showed the baby forming the shape of a gun with its fingers and kicking wildly anytime Chelsea’s mother, former First Lady Hillary Clinton entered the room or opened her mouth.
“Judging by what I saw on screen, this kid is going to hate her grandmother. The child definitely recognizes evil when she sees it,” the nurse stated. Former President Bill Clinton appears OK with the news. “I can deal with it. I just hope the kid’s a looker in about twenty years!” he said with a laugh.
The family said they would take four of five months to weigh all political options before deciding whether to abort the baby and save the world from the horror of bringing another conservative into the world.