It has been over 20 years since Jerry Springer’s soul got her first taste of trash TV. She has finally had enough, saying that she’s so over sitting idly by while her host whores himself out on national television. Finally ready to invoke a rarely used rule in celestial circles, Springer’s soul claims enough is enough.
“I’m asking to be released from my host under the seldom-used “last-straw liberation act,” said Lei des Aire, a light being assigned to Jerry Springer at birth.
According to des Aire, in order to be released from her host, she must prove that without her presence, the host can stand alone. So, for the last six months, she says she’s left Springer’s body daily during the taping of The Jerry Springer Show, and no one, including Springer himself, even noticed.
“I’ve only known a few instances where the soul has been released from a host body and allowed to enter another at birth. It is very rare,” she said.
“Most souls stick with their hosts regardless of how difficult it is–even Hitler’s, if you can believe that. Not me, though,” she said, “I don’t have the stomach for it.”
Asked what the tipping point was, des Aire explained.
“It was late one night, Jerry had just passed out, and I decided to do a little astral projecting. I ended up in Paris and met another soul by the name of Gabe. We talked all night, and during our conversation, he told me who his host was…Maya Angelou.”
“He couldn’t say enough nice things about her and told me that he was so happy to be her soul. After I told him whom I embodied, Gabe about fell out of the sky. Apparently,” said des Aire, “I’ve been the laughing stock of the ethereal community for quite some time.”
“Long story short, Gabe told me about the liberation act and told me that if Larry Flynt’s soul could get out of it for similar reasons, I should have no problems.”
Des Aire says she is awaiting word from the powers that be and is hoping it won’t be much longer.
“If I have to watch one more pregnant girl named Brit’ney beg her toothless boyfriend to take her back even though he cheated on her with her mother, while Jerry sits there and tells them to be kind to each other, I think I may have to go super nova, you know?”
Oh man, Springer is just the best. He knows who he is and he accepts it. He's a purveyor of sordid tales, many of which cannot be believed, but man I'd sure love to think that all of them are true.
After so many years of exploiting white trash hijinks, it would be a great capper to have Springer explode like Belloq from Raiders.