Royal Fixation Escalates to Royal Obsession

23 million insomniac Americans watched the royal wedding of Prince William and commoner Kate Middleton. Seriously! Rousted out of bed at a ridiculous a.m. hour to witness the event, pale compared to, say, Donald Trump getting skewered by a Brahma bull.

But celebrities and royalty have always captivated bumpkins. For example, medieval serfs spoke of nothing else as they whacked dirt clods with crude garden implements:

Serf 1: My back is killing me.

Serf 2: Dost thou think the King wilt host a banquet this evening?

Serf 1: Hey, is THOU deaf? Look at what that rock did to my plastic hoe!

Serf 2: Perhaps they will dine on suckling pig and turkey legs.

Serf 1: Okay, you’ve been smoking hemp rope again, haven’t you?

The royal wedding is a classic example of celebrity captivation – just like Lady Gaga and, if you’ve the stomach for it, Oprah.  Folks routinely forget about reality, falling prey to the outrageous hi jinks of carbon-based life forms from the planet Make Believe.

The young couple is starting off swell. Kate is now, “Her Royal Highness Prince William of Wales,” which really sucks when signing checks. But, that’s the tip of the “celebrity iceberg.” The new Princess faces a tough road ahead. Take the royal estates – mossy, relative-riddled edifices that’ll drive her mad:

Buckingham Palace: Catch the first left off Spur Road, you can’t miss it. Spin the Bottle and Scrabble parties nightly plus, “Changing of the Guard.” You’d think they could zip up their own pants.

Clarence House: Attached to St. James’s Palace by rubber bands — look for The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, The Barber of Dander, and The Rickets of Bones. In the 1930’s, Prince Arthur, Duke of Connaught and Strathearn, Earl of Sussex, and Keeper of Floss used the house — the refrigerator still stinks.

Windsor castle: In Berkshire County, right next to the Pump-n-Go. Built by William the Conqueror who reportedly wore black women’s lingerie. The longest-occupied palace in Europe; elves are so hard to evict. Queen Elizabeth II uses it for ‘dine and sleep’ parties where revelers can’t find the door, let alone car keys.

The Palace of Holyroodhouse and Balmoral Castle: Located somewhere in Scotland. Hey, just look around, it’s a small country. Great places for shooting medieval vampire movies if you can tolerate the food, ghoulish Banshees, or really burly guys hunkering down in underwearless kilts.

Kensington Palace: Home of The Duke and Duchess of Gloucester, the Duke and Duchess of Kent and Prince, Princess Michael of Kent, Prince Harry, and Zara Phillips (she just shows up). They forget to flush but who complains?

Sandringham House: Situated on 8,000 hectares (about the size of Rhode Island) near Sandringham, known for prized pigs. Privately owned by the Royal Family — which explains the curtains.

Besides tracking the royal estates, there are the royal RVs, circus tents, and jousting equipment. Not to mention a zillion functions requiring the new bride to look her very best during disgustingly gross international events such as Donald Trump showing up and trying to say something intelligent.

Poor Kate will be overwhelmed, not a minute to herself, getting plastered all over the media. Infatuated yokels will eat the stuff up. Yes, for the same reason cretins bought tickets to Charlie Sheen’s, “Torpedo of Truth: Examples of my Stupidity” tour. “Celebrity Captivation” – vulgar and yet so vilely satisfying.

Author: Joe Barnhart

Not yet in his niche, but getting close, Joe Barnhart is a freelance humor writer with articles appearing in newspapers and magazines. When Joe sits down at the computer, nothing is sacred as he willingly lampoons everything from economic stimulation to polygamy. He’s currently working on a book about parenting. It’s a lighthearted romp through the disgusting mess that is our capitalist, disposable diaper system.