Bill O’Reilly Welcomes Conan O’Brien To FOX

LOS ANGELES, CA (GlossyNews) — Bill O’Reilly, whom Jon Stewart recently praised as FOX network’s “voice of reason,” welcomed former NBC talk show host Conan O’Brien to FOX last night. In a pre-recorded segment that aired during The O’Reilly Factor, the show’s namesake reminded his audience that O’Brien once worked for FOX as a writer for The Simpsons, before “that unfortunate marijuana business.”

O’Reilly hinted that O’Brien’s contract requires him to shift or get off the pot before he can be welcomed back into the FOX den with open arms. Although the network has been known to carry humorous programming with high ratings, a growing number of tea bagging Americans find FOX’s brand of comedy an affront to its fair and balanced reporting. As these socially conservative viewers push to regain control of Neilsen Set Meters, FOX may not be able to afford balance, let alone fairness. Therefore, O’Brien will have to acquiesce to several “suggested” changes.

First, O’Brien must spring for a grown-up haircut. While Tea Baggers express great admiration for the work of Alfalfa from The Little Rascals, they will not abide a cowlick. The party’s official position is that the term “cowlick” implies an act of bestiality, which is the indisputable end result of allowing gay marriage. Short of a haircut, O’Brien could agree to sport a powdered wig instead.

Second, O’Brien must also refrain from off-key singing, acting like a cat in heat and flailing as though he were an epileptic at a Pokemon marathon, or an agitated Gary Coleman. The “no seizure rule” shall remain in force on and off the air. O’Brien must also commit to booking fewer, if any, hip-hop, avant-garde or aging hippie musicians to make room for hot acts such as Toby Keith, who “would make a great house band leader” according to O’Reilly.

Executives have also “advised” O’Brien to promote vintage Ronald Reagan films, now being released on DVD, that recall a cinematic time before the devil got into Miss Jones. FOX, which is said to be sparing no expense on O’Brien’s new set, will build a wheel chair-accessible ramp to facilitate as many living stars from this era as possible. Plans also include a cardboard cutout of the Gipper himself.

For his own part, O’Brien did win two concessions from the network. He won’t be required to wear a “Halliburton First” button above the American flag pin on his lapel, and he will be allowed to retain the services of drummer Max Weinberg, a card-carrying member of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band.

FOX executives say they have not decided on a name or optimal time slot for O’Brien’s new show. While they hope to retain O’Brien’s historically youthful audience, they don’t want to alienate the average FOX viewer. Internal discussions have centered around airing the show at 7:00 p.m., an hour before O’Brien’s NBC base prepares to go drinking and FOX’s viewers get ready for bed.