KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Former Sen. Bob Dole was hospitalized briefly this week, but is recovering comfortably at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Dole is an attorney and retired United States Senator from Kansas. Today, Dole is more widely recognized as the pen-wielding erectile dysfunction advocate and spokesperson for Viagra.
Sources close to Dole said the former congressman placed a panicked call to paramedics when his erection failed to subside after the critical four-hour mark. Mr. Dole intends to return to work as soon as he can walk without a limp.
Dole, 86, was hospitalized at Walter Reed for more than a week last summer after experiencing an elevated heart rate and sores on his left leg, which doctors attributed to similar circumstances. Diagnosticians at the time said the bruising on Dole’s inner thigh correlated directly to his unabated erection.
“He took quite a beating this time too,” Dole’s personal physician told reporters. “His unit, fully engorged and out of control, battered his leg and caused a series of contusions. Because of his age and past circulatory problems, even superficial injuries can become quite serious. He needs to stay away from his wife.”
Friends close to Dole have echoed similar sentiments. One associate and fellow senator, who would speak only on condition of anonymity, said, “Elizabeth is a freak. Bob…I mean, he just can’t keep up with her. She used to say things like, ‘I grew up working with Johnson, and I plan to keep working with Johnson until I die, if you know what I mean.'”
It’s not the first time Elizabeth Dole has made suggestive or inappropriate personal comments about her husband’s martial performance. In 2004, the Assurant Employee Benefits Will Return Council named Bob Dole the “Shining Star of Perseverance.” According to the anecdotal accounts of those present, a drunk Elizabeth Dole blurted out, “Not anymore!”
In his younger days, Dole had a congressional reputation for being hard. Peers often said, both in praise and condemnation, that Dole could “blow a hole in the deficit.” As his health waned in later years, Dole suffered erectile dysfunction and chose to use his status to promote awareness of the condition and its treatment. But family and friends say Dole’s impotence was a much deeper problem.
“I hated going to dinner parties,” admitted one friend. “Elizabeth would get drunk and abusive. Once, a new pro-life lobbyist asked her about her key positions. Elizabeth told him, ‘Why don’t you pour me another brandy, big boy, and find out.’ Then during a fundraising event for her 2008 re-election campaign against Kay Hagan, she told a group of Christian homemakers, ‘I like Dicks, ladies. Nixon, Cheney, Army, you name ’em. I’ve served under them all. If you like Dicks too, vote for woman who knows what to do with them.'”
Members of the domestic staff who work in the couple’s Missouri home said that several hours before Mr. Dole phoned for an ambulance, he took three Viagras and then rang his wife’s room via the intercom.
The head valet told reporters that although Mr. Dole was whispering, he clearly heard the senator tell his wife, “You’re going to see the real Bob Dole from now on.”
Bob Dole said in a statement to the press this morning, “Thanks to the great doctors and nurses at Walter Reed, Bob Dole is making great strides, working between sessions and hopes to be fully recovered and back at the office in a few weeks. God help him.”