Woods Chasing Beck in Lost Sponsor Race

FOXNEWDS Studios–NYC. — In a little noticed scenario in the celeb sweeps the recent Tiger girls-rush-to-claim-sex-with-me-first media circus has caused another celeb, Glenn Beck, to amp up his offensive abilities. Beck is reported as hiring a brace of new writers with the express purpose of besting Tiger and keeping the headlines at FocusOnMeGlennBeck.com.

While Beck’s stradegy in the affair is not currently visible, there is some begrudging media agreement that it won’t be Beck elbowing the girls out of the way and claiming the “first-sex-with-Tiger” trophy.

David Gregory who claims channeling rights to Tim Russert on issues of this sort said “It isn’t much like Glenn to go out on this kind of shakey limb and put his support behind the man on man sex thing, but he’s done much more dicey things in his past.”

David continued, “Tim says he remembers once, when they were both still juniors in high school, a senior jock bragged that he had killed a skunk in his backyard. Well, not to be outdone, Glenn immediately countered with “That’s nothing, punk, I skinned up a tree once and shot a racoon and her 6 babies when she was feeding them. Then I cried about it with my mother. I still cry about it.”

Swiss watch maker Tag Heuer said Friday that it is modifying its marketing programs in certain regions, namely the US, out of respect for Tiger’s request for privacy. Both Accenture and and Gillette have claimed Tiger is “no longer the right representative”and have bumped him off the payroll. Even AT&T is close to a decision on dropping Tiger as spokesperson.

This is all very perplexing, as Tiger now is bereft of the watch he counted on to tell time; no one to prepare and advise him on his tax havens; and an embarrassing, most visibly lengthening “5-o’clock shadow” look that, without a razor or shave gel present, makes it hard for him to clean up his act. At least GM, under the careful eye of the US government Treasury Dept., has not pulled his Escalades out of the driveway. They even replaced the broken one with a new one. Still where will he find replacements? The toils of the super-rich.

Beck, who remains phoneless since AT&T dropped him, meanwhile is sleepless while he has his new writers on 24-hour duty to make sure that the TigerWatch is over and FocusOnMeGlennBeck.com is back in the news headlines. They have been tireless at drumming up new shock waves of head-turning news about the Beck 9/12 Empire which has lost a lot of traction over the last 3 weeks.

Yesterday, Beck was extravagantly bulbous with tears as both GetARoom.com and Re-Bath joined with the Seoul Metropolitan Government in dropping their sponsorships. Gleefully he slobbered on air that Tiger wasn’t going to win this one without a fight. He promptly loosed a stream of unconscious babble that included 33 n-words in a row, causing his switchboard to light up with calls from both UPS and the USPS. Which were followed by Eggland’s Best, Diageo and US Sugar, who together pulled the ever-popular sidecar cocktail from the sponsorship listings. This was especially pleasing to Beck, as he is a Mormon and isn’t supposed to be drinking anyway.

Immediately on losing the cocktail account, Beck charged into a newly developed ad featuring his Swanson Hungry Man Meatloaf Dinner character, spewing all manner of anti-black racist epithets. Swanson Hungry-Man called within 5 minutes of the airing and removed its ads from Beck, even though they still have to pay him as their meatloaf dinner spokesperson through the rest of 2009, when his contract is up for renewal.

It seems on first view that Woods, the world’s highest-earning athlete, has met his match finally. Albeit not on the golf course or in the bedrooms of most of America. No one can touch Tiger there, or there.

And with Woods taking an indefinite leave from golf to work on repairing his marriage, it looks like Beck has clear sailing to win his self-imposed “I am less sponsored than you are” sweepstakes.