Tiger Woods, in a typical display of celebrity pout and unqualified arrogance, continues to refuse to be interviewed by police officers investigating the five mile per hour catastrophic vehicle accident that occurred directly outside his exclusive suburban Egoville mansion near Orlando, Florida when his Cadillac Escalade SUV was in a series of collisions with a #9 iron golf club.
The celebrity sportsman was discovered by paramedics to be lying in the road in a semi-conscious condition with facial and groin injuries after his car hit a fire hydrant and then rammed a neighbour’s tree while reportedly – according to Woods – trying to avoid a squirrel – at 2:25 am on a pitch black November morning.
However rumours now abound that this concocted scenario is besmeared with a similar smorgasbord of lies and deceits akin to the ridiculous and farcical O J Simpson low speed car chase fiasco in June of 1994.
The Crystal Ball Gazette – the number one celebrity libel sheet of the gutter tabloid press ranks – claim that Woodsy was attempting to escape a violent confrontation with his blonde bombshell Scandinavian Amazon missus Elin, who was rumoured to be slightly pissed off after discovering she’d been cuckolded by her hubby shagging his latest mistress – New York celebrity slapper and fire-starting drama queen – Rachel Uchitel.
Ms. Uchitel, currently employed as a high society rep’ for the city’s trendy Skanks Nightclub – when not on her back with legs akimbo working for cash-in-hand – often boasts to beau monde hacks that she maintains the inherited maternal philosophy of ‘never kiss and tell’ – unless it’s for lots of money.
This point was instanced with the revelations published in Slags magazine of her failed four day marriage to Wall Street shyster Shylock Ehrenkranz whom she met while working at the Happy Ending Rub & Tug massage salon in the ultra-elitist Hamptons, servicing WASP clients – a legion of whom unanimously described her as “a gold-digging sexual piranha – but one hell of a great three-hole lay when you crossed her sticky little palm with silver.”
As the Tiger tried to leave the house and make good his getaway a furious Elin blitzkrieged the Cadillac SUV with a #9 iron she just happened, by chance, to have in her hand at the time, after sinking a few balls on the living room putting green.
According to alarmed neighbours the Wrath of Elin peaked in true Viking Berserker fashion with her apparently proceeding to fuck up the Chevvy SUV royally with her golf club – smashing both screens and all side windows, causing Woodsy to run over a hydrant and into his next door neighbour’s genuine wooden tree – whereupon she then dragged his semi conscious body from the stalled vehicle and began calling him every kind of evil motherphucking bastard under the sun – while delivering a series of well-aimed kicks to his ribs, groin and face.
On Sunday authorities released a recording of a 911 emergency call made by the golfer’s neighbour Sheldon Weaselberg at the time of the incident.
In a shaken voice, he says: “I need an ambulance immediately. I have someone down in front of my house with a blonde harpy kicking the living shit outa them.”
In comments to the Shitraker International news agency, Chief Dino Corruptioni of the Florida Highway Patrol said his officers found the 33-year-old lying in the street with his wife hovering over him, still kicking him in the goolies and shouting “You philandering mongrel son of a bitch!”
Chief Corruptioni, quizzed by the media as to why Woods had not yet been interviewed by police officers informed the media “Hey, old Tiger will make a statement when he feels up to it. Let’s just leave him alone for now.”
“This is only a simple traffic accident and not a domestic violence issue – believe me – I’m a cop.”
It is reported that attending paramedics treated Woods for minor lacerations, bruising and abrasions but he later underwent surgery at Orlando’s prestigious Chevron Golfers Hospital to facilitate the removal of a #9 iron that had become embedded deep in his rectum during the crash – club-end first.
Doctors informed Fux News that ‘le enfant gate’ Woods was expected to make a full recovery but might walk on tip-toes and with a slight limp due the golf club injury – and was lucky it was only a #9-iron Elin rammed up his butt and not a driver or falcon-heel putter.