Barbara Walters Goes Out in Public Without Soft Focus Blur, Thousands Terrified

LOS ANGELES – ABC anchorwoman Barbara Walters ventured forth from her home in the hills just like any other day- but this time she forgot the soft focus blur that has become a staple for any appearance she makes, on television or otherwise. The crippling shock of seeing the 109-year-old Walters without her vanity mask of soft focus blur caused a massive accident on Rodeo Dr. in Beverly Hills, killing 16 motorists and passengers and seven pedestrians.

“It was unbelievable, man,” said Ethan Storm, a local. “I was cruising around in my new Z3 and then I saw this thing- oh, man, I can’t describe it. I thought it was the fucking apocalypse, man.”

Storm then swerved off the road and crashed through a plate glass window of a Starbucks, decapitating a 23-year-old female jogger.

Storm’s sharp turn across the oncoming lane caused a Gucci truck to jackknife into a pay phone; fortunately no one was using it. The truck tipped over and lay across three lanes, then its gas tank burst and began spraying fuel like napalm 20 ft. into the air. Thousands of dollars worth of belts sold along the shopping strip were burned beyond recognition. The fiery liquid took the lives of five tourists and one shop employee. The driver would later die in the hospital.

Three Jeep Wranglers, two Volkswagen Beetles, and a Corvette crashed into the truck. All six drivers and eight passengers died on impact.

“I don’t know what she was thinking,” said Brad Marche, owner of Marche’s, one of the shops destroyed by the fire. “People just aren’t ready for that kind of site. I mean, when Elizabeth Taylor dropped her soft focus blur, it was kind of stunning. But you have to let it slide- she had brain cancer. Plus people liked her.”

It has not been decided yet whether or not Walters will be charged with manslaughter, criminal negligence, or anything else.

“I’m truly sorry for what happened,” Walters said via a spokesman at a press conference. “I was only going out for some Nair and I didn’t think anyone would notice me. If at all possible I would like to repay the family members of the victims by interviewing them some time in the near future, soft focus blur in place, of course.”

Author: Rudager P. Marshall

Born in W. Virginia, on March 18, 1922, to a coal mining family, Rudager P. Marshall quickly grew tired of listening to his father complain about aristocrats throwing cigarette filters and lit fireworks down the mine shafts while he labored. As he entered his twilight years, he began work on construction of The Rail, a paper with the most ideological biases of any news source in the history of the world. Whether it be the wit of the oligarchy, the hilarity of communism, or the downright goofiness and tomfoolery of fascism, The Rail covers it.