Categorized | Books, Newspapers & Misc

Wanted to Know How to Woo My Lady. Book Learnin’ Did Me Right

Wanted to Know How to Woo My Lady. Book Learnin’ Did Me Right

As long-time readers of Glossy News know, I’m a man of exquisite passion. So when I wanted to ratchet up the loving, I did what any man would do. I sipped some whiskey, yelled at my kids, and turned to the wisdom of books.

I didn’t have to look far to find something to fill this void in the parts of my life that so desperately crave the touch of my loving lady. I picked up “How High Should I Jump?” by R. Milton Quibner, HE.R.S, and I got my answers.

Times have become too liberal, and nobody knows this better than R. Milt. His advice is so delightfully backwards he actually starts the book with a disclaimer of “satire” right on the cover. That should stop the skirts from messing with him.

Once into the meat of the potatoes, the book launches off with a delicious chapter called “Never Question Her Authority”… well I’m not sure if I’m supposed to embrace this, hate this, or flip all my beliefs on account of it being “satirical” in nature… I’ll just read it.

The book covers all kinds of ground, including De-commissioning the Ego, Can You Be Too Honest, and Can You Be Too Clean?

It’s a delightful read, assuming you can thread the loom back and forth between what’s obviously real and what’s plainly meant as satire.

Mirrors are a man’s best friend? Should you consider surgery? One of these two is obviously hysterical, while the other you should ponder over every minute of your waking life.

That’s the real beauty of this book. You don’t have to know what’s right, wrong or in jest. Just like in marriage, you can assume everything exists in a super-position of being both all the time.

I contacted R. Mizzle to the Quizzle, and he said, and I quote, “Who? I’m not sure you have the right number. Are you trying to contact Mr. Quibner?”

Classic redirect! Deflect all you want Quiznizzle to the Hizzle, but I’ve already got your number, and I’ll tell you what it is soon enough. Just have to finish decoding your goddamned book of riddles. Why can’t you just tell me how to please my wife!?! Never mind.

The book is available now, as is more information about it at HowHighShouldIJump.com.

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This post was written by

- who has written 395 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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3 Responses to “Wanted to Know How to Woo My Lady. Book Learnin’ Did Me Right”

  1. Bee says:

    “You don’t have to know what’s right, wrong or in jest. Just like in marriage, you can assume everything exists in a super-position of being both all the time.”

    – lol, tell me about it!

  2. Mike Kelly says:

    Do they have a companion book for men who like men? Hey! Just asking.

  3. That’s damn funny Mr. White! Great advice in your opening paragraph, I’ll have to remember get some Whiskey next time I’m at the store. The author of that book definately knows the keys to a happy marriage, and if any brauds want to argue that then they are lying.

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