‘The Onion’ Publishes an Issue of True Stories

Foxpeter Grove, MD (GlossyNews) — The Onion, America’s premier satire and humor newspaper, shocked the literary world today by publishing an issue of ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORIES!

The US’s flagship smart-ass site today reported on several newsworthy incidents that actually happened. On page two, the Great O reported on a woman who, about to take a snort of cocaine found that the powder formed a perfect picture of the Virgin Mary. The woman, however, was a devout Buddhist (except for snorting cocaine) and snorted it up anyway. Had this story been the mere fantasy of the ever creative minds of The Onion staff, it would have been hilarious. Since it was merely reportage of an actual incident, it just ends up being creepy, mostly because we always thought that Buddhists were holier than we and wouldn’t snort up a picture of the Virgin Mary even if it was of another religion.

In another article, on page 5, the ever intrepid Onion tells us of a man who milks minks for fun and profit. Again, this would have been funny, especially since they could have made up a humorous headline such as: “Man Milks Minks Manually And Makes A Mint”. Because it is true, it just comes out sad because you know the guy isn’t going to get more than a gallon of the stuff even if he milks all day. You also know that, sadly, the minks must have really sore tits from his pulling on them with his huge fingers. It just doesn’t work somehow.

A third article tells of a mermaid who was accidentally caught up in tuna nets and canned, causing the entire tuna industry to shut down until they could print “mermaid free” labels on their cans. A depressing story which prompts one to think of this really beautiful mermaid getting minced up like any ordinary chicken of the sea, making you want to become a vegetarian.

Loyal Onion readers have deluged the editor with letters of outrage and disappointment:

“How could you do this to us?” stated Earl Bigglesbottom of Wolfmaul, North Dakota. “We come to the Onion for a laugh and you hit us with reality. If I wanted reality I’ll just turn on Dancing with the Stars.”

“I came expecting satire and got hit in the gut with regular news. I can get that from Fox News… well, actually. . . maybe NBC or CNN. The world is already too weird. I come to the Onion for a dose of insanity that makes me feel normal and you let me down.”

“Cancel my subscription… oh wait a minute.. The Onion it’s free anyway, isn’t it?”

Reader backlash has been so strong that the Onion is contemplating a reorganization to reinvent themselves as a publication called The Rhubarb.

Glossy News writers, sensing weakness, immediately began lampooning The Onion, which had snubbed their submissions for so many years.