South America (GlossyNews) — Industry insiders are saying reclusive, mysterious media titan Brian K. White has struck again, in his seemingly relentless march to replace Rupert Murdoch as the planet’s leading purveyor of nonsense.
In the wake of famed journalist Blake Pennywhistle’s mysterious disappearance, White spoke to reporters today from a secure, undisclosed location. “Nobody will miss Blake more than I. It puts a hole in my heart that will forever be there, blah blah blah. I’m glad he’s not sending e-mail to my teenage daughter any more, I will say that. I don’t think space aliens abducted Blake, mostly because I don’t know what space aliens would want with $7358 in cash that seems to be missing. Like Jimmy Hoffa missing, OK? I’ve hired a temp to pray for Blake’s safe return, and now it’s time to move forward. Mr. Pennywhistle would want it that way.”
The GNN mogul went on to detail his plans for the South America bureau, announcing new leadership some found controversial and others grudgingly admired as sheer genius.
Nineteen year old twins Maria and Consuela Lopez will now head Glossy News South American operations. After persistent questioning, White conceded the women have few journalistic credentials, other than their month long very very close association with Mr. Pennywhistle, but he was quick to defend his choice.
“Journalism is mostly about putting a face on a tragedy, throwing something in the trough the sheep will eat. I have faith that Maria and Consuela can do well. Not so complex really. You people with your BA’s in English Lit from whatever College? Most of you, a border collie could run a practical joke on you. Maria and Consuela will do just fine.”