PEW. What are you in for?
POTATO. Not exactly sure.
PEW. Yeah, samesies.
POTATO. Seriously?
PEW. What?
POTATO. Dude, you’re a total douche bag. I mean, c’mon. Perpetuating rape culture? Not cool.
PEW. Huh?
POTATO. You can’t make a name out of unceasingly throwing yourself at a clearly disinterested female cartoon character several decades ago and expect to not have to answer to a higher power someday regardless if your sole intention was to simply provide some comic relief to children whose parents smoked in the car with the windows rolled up and used a leather belt to teach “life lessons.”
PEW. That’s pretty bold of you to assume Penelope identified as a female.
POTATO. Huh?
PEW. Alls I’m sayin is, watch your own bobber (air quotes),Potato Head.
POTATO. (Sigh) I wish I had a brain so I could sort all of this out in a logical manner.
PEW. Maybe you can trade your mustache in for a brain and a fresh start?
POTATO. Hey! My Grandma had a mustache and she would be offended by that!
PEW. Potatoes don’t have grandmas bro. Get real.
POTATO. Shhhhh!!! Don’t call be bro…
PEW. Don’t you think they’re maybe getting a little carried away?
POTATO. Off the record, 100%. On the record, yes.
PEW. This isn’t fair! There’s so much more to me than my past inappropriate and misguided advances toward cartoon pussycats.
POTATO. Don’t ever say pussycat again! It’s offensive!
PEW. To who?
POTATO. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! (But seriously, I don’t know.)
PEW. What else shouldn’t I say or do?
POTATO. Pretty much anything that comes to mind at any given moment in time.
PEW. Do you think I can change?
POTATO. Into what?
PEW. A more respectful cartoon who has clearly learned from his past mistakes and has truly grown and adamantly affirms that any past improper aggressions toward those identifying as female cartoon characters were emphatically wrong and do not represent who I am as a fictional cartoon character today.
POTATO. Lol. Nope. You’re fucked.
PEW. (Sad) Really?
POTATO. Best case scenario…they’ll make you into a Fortnite skin that parents will pay extra for so their kids can virtually blow up other people’s kids for ten hours a day while they binge watch Netflix and drink “mommy water.” But make no mistake about it…your hugging days are over!
PEW. But I’m a lover, not a fighter!
POTATO. I get it. (Whispers) And I miss being a mister. (Sigh) I don’t even know who I am anymore.
PEW. Life lessons are hard.
POTATO. Amen. Wait, what’s the lesson again?
PEW. (Sigh) No one knows. Damn, I could really use a hug right now.
POTATO. You can hold my hand if you want…it fell out.
PEW. (Nervous excitement) Are you sure it’s okay?!
POTATO. (Somber confusion) Nope.