Trumpisms and Virusisms 9


In this time of crisis,

lack of execution at the federal level

is costing lives

We should start

by executing

Trump first.


Masks with identity and personality?

In the new normal will you order custom masks online?

Virus-protecting, but in your own image and/or any other image you might want,

a hundred for $10.

Every day a Halloween masquerade.


How to arm a geddon —

Undermine preparedness,

ignore warnings,

 call a pandemic a hoax,

hinder states that try to defend themselves,

stir up hatred and resistance to safety measures.

Trump is good at it.


Future sex in the new normal —

Participants wear full-body transparent condoms

and practice touch-sensitive total intimacy

without direct contact.

 We have so much to look forward to.


The Coronavirus Waltz —

step, two three

turn, sit, a

djust screen enlarge image,


Assure her that you love her with a love that is virtual

and, by necessity, virtuous as well.


Sequestered together, endlessly,

the simplest disagreement became a major argument.

Then one morning they found two packages on the kitchen table.

One from him to her, the other from her to him.

Inside each was a one-word note — “Up”

They had each given “Up”


“How can you date in a time of social distancing?”

“Easy. I checked my DNA on ancestry and 23andme.”

“How does that work?”

“They help me connect with distant cousins.”


Having accidentally teleported to the 21st century,

Stanley looked for Livingstone online.

And when he found him, he greeted him,

“Livingstone, I Zoom.”


I finally got

disposal gloves and

disposable masks.

Now I need to get a large supply of

disposable income.


Why aren’t companies distributing masks

with their logos and ads printed on them?


Puff the magic blanket

lived in my bed

and frolicked in pandemic mist

in a land called stuck at home.



Series of early reading books for home schooling,

starting with

“Run, nose, run…”


A covert operation

carried out by

nine teens

led to the pandemic.

Hence the name.


Biden should offer free masks for all,

with the label

Restore America’s health.

Vote Biden.


Due to a typo in his online grocery order

instead of snacks.

he got snakes.


Surgeons, doctors and nurses are

officers in this war against coronovirus.

When I see one, I’m tempted to say,

“Yes, Surge.

Whatever you want, Surge.”


The play-g

isn’t much fun to play.


If ultraviolet light work doesn’t work,

try ultraviolet heavy.

If disinfectant doesn’t work,

try dish infectant.

Or just eat bull shit.


Who doubts the existence of alien life?

We see Trump on television every day.


Another name of stimulus checks —

play-g dough.


Trump’s goal in life —

to leave the world a bitter place.


Imagine the magnitude of our progress

in just a few years

going from occupy Wall Street

to occupy yourself.


Donny has great presidents of mind.

Not constrained by common sense,

he thinks outside the box.

Hence his slogan,

“The box stops here.”


When you have an infestation of lie-ce,

nitpicking is necessary.


Cheer up.


you win some,

you awe some.


“I’m looking forward to when restaurants reopen.

I finally want to try a naked one.”


“Yes, of course.

The buffet.”


How do oysters and clams combat

the spread of coronavirus?

Sea shell distancing.


He’s a true patriot.

Since the beginning of the pandemic,

he’s been taking social disdancing lessons.


News flash:

Latest poll —

100% of Trump supporters

who have died of coronavirus

do not plan to vote for him in November.


We live in a time of negativity and uncertainty.

No one wants to test positive.


The new Trump appointee

filled his sink with talcum powder

and repeated over and over:

2 + 2 = 5

He was practicing speaking truth to powder,

but didn’t want to seem like a smartass.


The native was confused by the theological arguments

of those who sought to convert his people.

Until he met a preacher’s daughter

who taught him

the missionary position.


Trump loves tests.

He’s pro tests.

He suppports all kinds of protests.


A young lady is binge-eating to fight the pandemic.

She is thereby flattening her curves

and encouraging social distancing.


Why did Trump hire the Lone Ranger?
Because he has a silver bullet.


News flash:

Trump pardoned Cain for killing Abel.

(Never trash a good hitman.

You never know when you might need his services.)


For many, rent is due May 1.

A simple way for Congress to fix that problem,

at no cost to the government.

Change the calendar.

Insert 12 new months.

Name them after senators if that will help get it passed.

Rename May 2021 as May 2020.


May Day! May Day!

Mr. Anyone is drowsy, depressed,

distanced from everyone

including himself.

Now he hopes that online gambling

will make things bettor.


Hearing that personal grooming businesses

were opening in Georgia,

Mr. Anyone drove a thousand miles to

get a manicure.

He didn’t know what women were going to do,

but he needed a cure pronto.


This year will be renamed

as the beginning of the Post-Pandemic Era —

1 PPE.


Ginsburg’s Gallic War —

She came, she saw, she conquered.

Trump’s response — The gall of the woman…


Self-isolating as they knew they should

the would-be beachgoers

surfed online and

prayed to Sand Peter and Sand Paul

and sang, “We shell overcome.”


Words needed to express our pandemic experience.

“Lockation” where you will be for the duration.

“Lockmate” your partner for the duration.




feels like



I’m thinking of becoming a doctor

when this ends,

if it ends.

With all this experience with

masks and gloves and disinfectant washing,

I must be more than half-way there.


He dreamed of squadrons of viruses

at basic training,


“I wanna be an airborne ranger,

Live the life of guts and danger…”


Why did Santa shop at a sex boutique?
He needed shocking stuffers.


In ancient times,

when a plague struck,

the emperor issued a

stay at Rome order.


The nation’s monetary policy

should not be determined solely by the Fed.

The UnFed and the FedUp also deserve a voice.


When Trump is crowned king,

he’ll hold a coronanation ceremony,

with a much bigger audience than his inauguration,

because the ghosts of those he has killed will attend.

Author: Richard Seltzer

Now a publisher of electronic books, I worked for DEC, the minicomputer company, for 19 years, as writer, marketing consultant, and "Internet Evangelist." I graduated from Yale, with a major in English, and earned an MA from the U. of Mass. at Amherst in Comparative Literature (French, Russian, and German). At Yale, I had creative writing courses with Robert Penn Warren and Joseph Heller. Personal web site (with over 1000 documents) My published works include: The Name of Hero, historical novel (Houghton Mifflin) Ethiopia Through Russian Eyes, translation from the Russian (Red Sea Press) "...the most important book on the history of eastern Africa to have been published for a century...." Old Africa The Lizard of Oz satiric fantasy, "An intriguing and very entertaining little novel" Library Journal The AltaVista Search Revolution, the first consumer book about search engines (McGraw-Hill) "indispensable" Library Journal, Winner of the Distinguished Technical Communication Award, the highest award given by the Society for Technical Communication Publications. Web Business Bootcamp (Wiley) Complete list at Follow me on Twitter! @SeltzerBooks

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