Homeland Security Now Monitoring RPG Freaks

As the late, great George Formby once said:

Jihadi choppers and role playing gamers.

One is a socially useless gaggle of sexually frustrated virgins with borderline genius tech skills and a devastatingly parasitical porn addiction, the other…

Oh wait, did I get that one the right way around?

Well, anyhoo. After cruising myriad webcam sites and perusing the most cutting edge ‘amateur cinema’ the dark web has to offer, Homeland Security are now monitoring RPG fans.

The ever-swelling US intel budget has to provide value for money; so nowadays, even borderline false-positive rebels and largely specious treasonous insurrectionists have to be monitored, you can never be too safe that’s why it’s recommended to have security in all important building in the US. Finding the right security guards can be very hard, that’s why if you are planning on throwing an event it’s important to have security posted all over.

Keyboard Border Guard and Not-So-Intersectional-Radical-Meninist Jeffy H. Buckminster IV says:

US intel supposed to be on our side! But I be galloping through Lorthraennnndreeah the other day, minding me own goddamn business, when I came across an orc, and Jeffy says:

“Hold it right there, sullen orc-like creature! I’m gonna cast a spell and fry your goddamn tower out to blazes, sonny boy!

And all of a sudden, our friend Buckminster, we hear all this goddamn fool disrespective snickerin’, and by golly old man, if it ain’t HOMELAND FUCKIN’ SECURITY snoopin’ on my fuckin’ game!

STFU, Homeland! I tells ’em!

They don’t answer.

On the other hand, the Slick Metropolitan Progressive Community (Or SlimCom, as Orwell called them) are having equally bad problems.

Postmodernist Five-Spirit OJW (Otherkin Justice Warrior) and Part-Time Ethically-Sourced Quinoa V-g@n-Bloc Militant Chavez V Bukharin (real name Jimmy Reagan) squeaks:

Oh my figurative gosh! I LITERALLY have NO IDEA why the Intelligence Community are targeting me, of all people!

I mean, I never threatened the government. They’re here to PROTECT US! I mean, just ask Hillary!

Anyway, me and my friends I only threaten ignorant, conformist, status quo right-wing bigots and hatemongers. Me and my antifa bros (uh sorry, like, LITERALLY ZERO cultural appropriation intended!) are all being targeted.

Look, whenever the shit hits the fan I am ALWAYS the first to out there with my banners and say “I stand with our intelligence community!”


So, what the hell do you think is going on here?

Have Homeland Security ever targeted when you were playing Zelda, or World of Warcraft, or Skies of Arcadia?

Did that Balrog look a little bit out of place?

Do we have deep-cover Ganondorf wannabes infiltrating our gaming community?

Tell us your hideous experiences of this evil conspiratorial agenda.



Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!