Joan Rivers Makin’ Em Laugh in Hell

Comedienne Joan Rivers may have died last week following complications from plastic surgery, but that doesn’t mean she’s slowed down or lost her edge.

The eighty-one year-old comic, known for her bitchy attitude, is still makin’ ’em laugh in the after world. The dead comedian was quickly sent straight to Hell, where she is expected to stay for some time.

“Hell is nothing new to me,” the comedian remarked.

“I’m Jewish, so this is just like a family reunion for me. Plus, I was married for twenty years. Don’t get me wrong, it was a bit of a shock arriving here. In fact, I hadn’t been so horrified since I saw my last plastic surgery bill.”

Rivers put her fashion quips to good use in Hades, making light of the fact that many of the older residents are seriously out of touch. She quickly turned on Hitler, mocking the late fuhrer’s facial hair.

“What’s up, with that mustache, buddy?” she cracked, clearly startling the befuddled old Nazi.

“I haven’t seen that style since Charlie Chaplin was tops in vaudeville. That must be some pubic hair that got stuck on your face while you were giving head to Eva Braun.”

The fuhrer was clearly red-faced and embarrassed when the minions of hell broke out in derisive snickers at his expense. But he soon broke into a girlish giggle himself.

“I’ve got to admit, Joan, you’ve certainly got me there,” the former leader said in broken English before delivering a little bon mot of his own. “I now feel bad about sending your grandparents to the ovens.” Hitler says that he did not take Rivers’ wisecracks too seriously. “It’s all in good fun. If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? Besides, Joan and I are good friends. We may come from different backgrounds, but we share much in common. We both laugh at the schwarze together. Privately she hates them as much as I do.”

Rivers moved on to even bigger game, launching her verbal assualts on the Lord of Hell himself.

“Talk about out of date,” she said. “I bet that outfit was already old during the Salem Witch Trials. That cape might scare a five year-old, if this were the Middle Ages. And those horns! What are you supposed to be, the mascot for the Chicago Bulls?”

The remarks cracked up the many denizens of Hell, who gave Rivers a standing ovation. But according to many of Satan’s most trusted demons the Prince of Darkness was less than thrilled with Rivers’ quips. “I will give her three more years for that,” Satan said, with an angry wave of his fiery talons.

“Plastic surgery or not, her ancient skin won’t hold up so well after a few pokes from Satan’s fiery pitchfork. I will move her to the Palestinian section as well.”

“Comedians tend to show up here sooner or later,” Satan remarked.

“I can assure you we’ve got some particularly hellish spots here reserved for Gallagher and Carrot Top. And of course, Don Rickles and Jerry Lewis will be burning here very soon.”

Author: Brett Taylor

Brett Taylor contributes to The Spoof from time to time. His rants and rambles can be found on Open Salon. He looks a little scary but if you feed him peanuts everything will go fine.

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