Glossy News interviewed famous Americans this past week, asking them “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season?” Here is a holiday gift basket of inspirational messages from some of our nation’s most illustrious, America-loving Americans.
Ann Romney, wife of presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney: “I was very disappointed that Mitt lost the election, due to that fluke late October hurricane and the minor fact that Mitt’s not very good at relating to people with net worths under $25 million. But we still have so much to be grateful for.
Mitt’s hair still looks amazing. We just bought Monaco. Precious. And, frankly, the thought of having to downsize our lifestyle to fit into that cramped White House was something I really was not looking forward to anyway. Besides, six luxury houses is plenty. We know some families who can’t even afford four.”
Tim Tebow, backup NFL quarterback: “I thank my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the opportunity to play this sport I love so much. And someday, the good Lord willing, I hope to have the chance to play on a professional NFL team. Until then, I am content to play for the New York Jets.”
Hillary Clinton, outgoing Secretary of State: “I am grateful to live in a civilized nation. I spent the past four years traveling, trying to negotiate with arrogant, narcissistic third world dictators and oil sheiks – like the whack jobs in charge of Pakistan, Uzbekistan, and North Korea. And don’t get me started on The Grand Duke of Luxembourg – so dumb he couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. So I’m just grateful to be back home for good. Now I can finally get caught up on my back episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States: “I am humbled and thankful for the end of slavery during my lifetime, the end of the Civil War, and the preservation of our glorious union. But most of all, I am grateful they cast Daniel Day-Lewis to play me in the film instead of that Paul Giamatti fellow. Day-Lewis is way hotter.”
Donald Trump, business magnate: “I am grateful to live in the top 1% of countries in the world. And be sure to watch my Thanksgiving Day Special on Fox when I’ll reveal secret classified documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Barack Obama is the illegitimate son of Osama bin Laden – and still smokes cigarettes.”
Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey: “I’m grateful just to have the chance to serve the people of the great state of New Jersey in the aftermath of our recent devastating hurricane, and for my new BFF, Barry Obama. I love our daily afternoon Skype calls when we play Words with Friends. Barry’s such an awesome guy. Hey, anybody want this last Twinkie? No? All right. That’s another thing I’m grateful for.”
Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader and the first turtle ever elected to Congress: “No comment.”
Stephen Colbert, political humorist: “I want to express my deepest gratitude that I live in a country that gives a microphone to outstanding Americans like Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Sean Hannity, Rep. Todd Akin, and all those Tea Party supporters waving signs like Stop Youth in Asia. Without them, I wouldn’t be nearly as rich and famous as I am now. Vote Colbert-Cain in 2016!”
General David Petraeus, decorated military general and former Director of the CIA: “I am grateful to live in this country. I love America, with a passion – a throbbing passion. From her thrusting mountain peaks to her curving, soaked rivers. From her lush, amber waves of grain to her pounding ocean surf. Hey, is it just me? Or is it getting hot in here? What’s that alluring cologne you’re wearing? Mind if I inspect your private quarters? You’ve got me standing at attention, America – if you know what I mean.”
Brad Pitt, famous actor: “I am just grateful for the little things in my life. Hiking in the woods of our 400-acre estate, sitting down with a good book on the sun deck of our 14,000 sq. ft. oceanfront mansion, making love with my stunningly attractive wife, or just having a simple conversation with close friends like George Clooney and the Dalai Lama. As I said, the little things. Just like anybody else.”
Lance Armstrong, cyclist and seven-time Tour de France winner: “Those judges may have stripped me of all my Tour de France titles and permanently banned me from the sport of cycling. I may have lost millions of dollars in sponsorship endorsements. Sheryl Crow may have cancelled our engagement. My reputation may now be irreparably shattered, but, at least … um, pardon me. What was the question again?”
Barack Obama, 44th president of the United States: “After a long, hard-fought campaign, I’m grateful to the American people for giving me four more years to finish the job. I would have turned my attention to our nation’s economic woes sooner, but for the past two years, I’ve really needed to help my daughter Malia with her homework. Turns out she and Mitt Romney have something in common: They both suck at math.”