History Channel Says “Screw It,” Merges with the E! and Syfy Networks

In a move not surprising to cable TV insiders, the History Channel has announced that it will merge with the E! and SyFy channels. Production costs were cited as the primary reason for the consolidation.

Abbe Raven, President and CEO of A&E Networks, was quoted as saying, “The American cable network audience is stupid enough to watch whatever the hell we throw up there, so why not minimize the cost of our programming by mashing it all together?”

NBCUniveral, desperate for cash to fund its failing flagship network, sold off the two cable stations for a meager $1.2 million apiece.

The money is expected to be used for a series of Botox injections for Brian Williams, which experts predict will increase the ratings of his latest show, Rock Center, from a disappointing 1.0 to at least a 1.1.

History has been under fire in recent years for moving away from its roots of historically enlightening shows in favor of reality and sensationalist programming. The new network is tentatively branded as “Syfy History Entertainment.”

A few highlights of the station’s new Fall lineup have been leaked to the public:

Kardashians in Space – Remnants of the Mir space station get stuck in orbit around Kim’s posterior; Russians declare victory in Space Race. Bruce Jenner is somehow able to survive in space without a helmet or breathing apparatus.

Joan and Melissa Rivers interview a Sasquatch, insult him for not wearing pants.

American Lunar Pickers – Mike and Frank offer the Man in the Moon $3 for the Apollo 11 flag.

Chelsea Handler struggles to communicate with two straight weeks of Swamp People guests, eventually gets eaten by a jealous, disgruntled alligator with one eye.

Every expert ever to appear on Pawn Stars gets their own reality spinoff; critics complain that the shows are plagued by too much “chubbiness.”

Ghost Hunters of Famous Dictators – In the pilot episode, a phantasmal Benito Mussolini breaks down and admits that fascism doesn’t work, and that black shirts are not an acceptable style to wear before Labor Day.

John Edward finally admits to a live TV audience that he is nothing more than a giant douche.