PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – A scientist at a local university has declared his greatest achievement, a computer capable of composing original music, a complete failure. Dr. William T. Corn had been working for over fifteen years on the Artificial Music Operation Project, also called “A-MOP,” before vowing to destroy his creation.
“I’m surprised. I thought it was a smashing success,” said friend and colleague, Dr. Thomas. “Think of it. A computer that can make its own music without unnecessary variables like musicians. It would change everything.”
Dr. Corn was hesitant to comment on the A-MOP failure, but did say that destroying the machine was of paramount importance. “The music it made sucked,” said Dr. Corn, eyes baggy from long sleepless nights in the laboratory. “All it did was auto-tune everything.
A-MOP was created using complex algorithms and artificial intelligence that recognizes infinite combinations of musical notes. Over 100,000 sounds, including various instruments and foley effects make up A-MOP’s library. But despite its infinite potential, Dr. Corn said the music A-MOP made was “typical top 40s garbage.”
“I was hoping this thing would compose orchestrations on the level of Mozart or Beethoven,” said Dr. Corn as he took his sixth shot of whiskey. “It’s a super computer, for Christ’s sake. Instead it just used stock electro pop loops and sang about how the DJ has him digging that booty. What does that even mean?”
Student reaction regarding A-MOP was mixed. Kacie Krist, a sophomore with breasts bigger than her brain, loved the music: “It’s like, really fun, you know? Like, I love dancing to its, like, beats.”
Wes Milton, a hipster with insufferable body odor, wasn’t so enthusiastic. “I don’t know,” Milton said as he drank a PBR. “A-MOP used to put out some great stuff, but now it’s just too mainstream.” Milton refused to comment further until someone got him a pack of American Spirits.
Despite varying reviews, A-MOP already has three songs on the Billboard Top 100 and has even released a duet with Lady Gaga. Larry Goldstein, A-MOP’s manager, says this is all the evidence the world needs of the computer’s talent. “A-MOP is giving the people what they want,” Goldstein said. “And what the people want is electro pop that can be churned out of a computer in a matter of minutes.”
A-MOP will address the controversy over its career next week when it performs live with Justin Bieber on the talk show circuit.
As this young computer’s star rises, questions still remain. When asked how he will destroy his creation, Dr. Corn simply replied, “A-MOP Unplugged.”
Funny. No seriously, funny.