Hollywoodland, CA (GlossyNews) — It has been whispered for months among the tight knit enclaves of Tinsel town. Following a recent spate of high profile suicides however, insiders are now speaking openly on the panic gripping their industry. Hollywood is running out of crappy material.
Glo-Mar Films CEO Lane Fontana spoke this week from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro. “Ellen from GVI Studios driving her car off that cliff? What a tragic waste. That was a sweet little Porsche.” Struggling to maintain composure, Fontana continued, “Can’t say it’s unexpected though. Ellen won’t be the last suicide.”
Looking stylish in a red leather Versace jacket, the Glo-Mar chief sketched out the looming catastrophe facing Hollywood. “Comic books, near empty there. I mean, Captain America for God’s sakes? Old TV, don’t even go there either. After Ferrell did ‘Land of the Lost’ I thought we’d scraped through the freaking bottom of the barrel. ‘Gilligan’s Island’ saved my ass, get right down to it. Megan Fox is on board, but there’s not much sequel juice there, not really.”
After several interruptions while he sought to option film rights for “Punky Brewster,” Mr. Fontana continued in an even more somber tone. “Re-makes, yeah I guess. Tri-Max has ‘Red Dawn’ and we’ve got ‘Weekend at Bernies’ but there’s not enough in re-makes to cover studio overhead. Besides, Spielberg’s already re-hitting his 80’s catalog; the rest of us are fighting over old Molly Ringwald scripts.”
Fontana’s dire assessment was general consensus among ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ patrons. Some freely confessed they’ve lost even the energy to fake liking one another. A despondent Harrison Ford was seen muttering, “Indiana Jones V.”
Following several Tequila shots, the Glo-Mar head was more pragmatic in his concluding remarks. “So be it then; empires fall. Let that little crowd of film school crazies with their ‘original ideas’ have it all. Let them try to negotiate Happy Meal toy deals with timed video game rollouts.”
Should the Hollywood implosion take place, experts predict a widespread effect on the already struggling economy. Reached for comment, Wall Street’s Gordon Gekko told Glossy News, “Lame entertainment is the last remaining US export.”