MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA– Massachusetts teen, Charles Chadworth III, is keeping his familial heritage alive by commenting the phrase “cyka blyat” beneath every YouTube video about Russia he stumbles across. Chadworth told reporters that he developed a calling to get in touch with an annoying culture of Slav-themed internet memes after playing CS:GO for a few weeks. “I noticed these Russian players commenting ‘cyka blyat’ all the time and realized that I didn’t even know what it meant. I’m, like, 1/64th Russian and I can’t even connect with or understand my own people.” In addition to commenting cyka blyat incessantly, Chadworth says he also used his father’s credit card to purchase Adidas tracksuits, flat caps, and belomorkanal cigarettes. “I’m working on developing a severe drinking problem, dropping definite and indefinite articles from my vernacular, and smuggling in an AK-47, but right now it’s just odin step at time.”
Chadworth says he now feels deeply in tune with Gopnik culture. “I really relate to the Eastern European Gopniks. I totally understand what it means to be working class and live on the rough side of town,” he remarked standing in full view of his father’s BMW. “I can’t say for sure what Russian living in general is like, but I think it’s a lot like being a middle school gamer who lives in an estate and plays lacrosse.”
Chadworth expressed a sense of alienation from his peers, detailing the bullying he regularly experiences on account of his heritage. “It’s been really hard ever since I came out as Slavic,” Chadworth says, “I’ve gotten a lot of backlash. People I thought were my friends are now refusing to associate with me and telling me things like ‘Your sister told us your family is actually part Romanian, not Russian’ and ‘Romanians aren’t even Slavic’ and ‘Please don’t greet your male classmates with an nonconsenual kiss on the lips.’”
Harder still, Chadworth claims, is his family’s unwillingness to practice Russian customs. In fact, he says he’s “the only observant Slav” in his entire extended family. His relatives refuse to participate in time-honored traditions like wrestling brown bears shirtless in sub-zero temperatures, denying gay people legal rights, and committing pogroms against Jews and other ethnic minorities. Undeterred by his status as a black sheep, however, Chadworth intends to proudly affirm his ethnic lineage and culture in the upcoming school presidential elections, believing it will give him an advantage over his campaign rivals. “I’m gonna poison those suckers so bad,” Chadworth exclaimed.
“I still don’t know what cyka blyat means, but I feel a lot more connected with my people now that I can spell it correctly most of the time.”