"It was so surprising," said coworker Adam Finley. "Every year she surprises us, and this year was no exception." Becky Bettenfield, of Purdy Daniel Affiliates has been dressed as a fat lady from TV for the last 14 years, it's only a matter of which fat lady she wishes to be this year.

"Well I heard when she was first hired she did Rosanne," explained Jenny from accounting. "I think that lasted five years. Ever since I've been here it's been Mimi from the Drew Carey show."

Outside of a one-year stint as Delta Burke, Mz. Longburg has apparently only done the two costumes. "Listen here, pig," she told Glossy News reporters from behind a nappy wig, 8 ounces of slather-on makeup and a mole with a personality. "I am a sassy lady with a lot of sassy personality. You can't just expect me to be Rachel from Friends or J-Lo, though not to sound stuck up or anything, I do have the booty for it."

Though co-workers agree she has more than her fair share of "the booty", they contend other factors have prevented the portrayal of such characters. These include her bitchy personality, gigantic stomach, floppy A-cups, and her "overall weathered, geriatric, nastiness", according to one anonymous source who works in marketing and has the desk right by the window when you first go in (on the left, not Jake, the other guy.)

"Dang, if only we had a fat midget working here, she could have been mini-Mimi from that one episode. That would have been awesome," said one employee after we gave him twenty dollars to do so.

Several other employees called their friends in other offices to tell them of this rare and exciting spectacle. Three reported back that his "friends office had one too," while yet another reported that "they've got three."

Bush Devises Cunning Covert Plan

Early this morning the venerable President Bush announced a new covert operation plan, allegedly devised by the President himself. Though he was unavailable for comment, no one else was willing to take even an ounce of credit for it.

"We're very surprised at the president's plan and are curious to see how it will pencil out," said Donald Rumsfeld through what looked like an uncomfortably forced smile/grimace combo.

The new plan, President Bush has dubbed Operation "So Crazy It Just Might Work", involves a platoon of highly trained Asian-American and Mexican-American soldiers going in to Iraq in an attempt to oust Saddam Hussein.

"I can't tell you, the American people, all the details, but I can tell you this. Next week when their little Iraqi children are going door to door trick or treating, they will be paving the way for our commandos. When a door is opened and the evil Mr. Saddam expects to give out candy to good little boys and girls, he may find a surprise like this man here waiting to whoop his bottom side."

President Bush continued, "Within days, every living being will have memorized the face of this highly covert secret agent who is cleverly disguised with his shirt tied about his head. Does it look silly? Yes it does, but I am not a judgmental man."

Shortly after the press conference both Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were seen boarding a plane for South America, each with as much cash as they could carry.

Vegetarian Zombies Eager to Break Stigma

After centuries of dining on human flesh, some zombies have found a healthier alternative. See, Tofurkey for Zombies, B18