Retractions
|
Glossy News is dedicated to bringing you news hot off the griddle. Some feel it's important that it's cooked all the way through, we just serve it up hot. As such we never, ever verify the truth or validity of even the most outrageous of our articles. Have faith, dear friend, it's for the best. Further, many of our retractions are wildly incorrect. We apologize, but do not retract our retractions. Overkill at that point, don't you think? It seems there was one or more small clerical error(s) in our last edition. Please note the following corrections: |
It was reported in our Vegeterian Zombies expose that zombies had in fact turned away from eating human flesh... oops, my bad. Turns out it was a cunning and somewhat sinister ploy devised to distract readers from the dangers of zombies. Our apologies go out to the tens of thousands of new zombies who were created last week after welcoming these mindless canibals in to their homes for quiche. No hard feelings, right? Last week we reported that Razor blade sales were down despite the halloween season. Gillette noticed the error immediately and contacted us for a correction. Only the Mach 3 blade showed a decline in sales, while sales of individual blades was sharply increased, as is customary for the month of October. Last week our special reported entitled What's Hot to Give This Halloween listed one of the items as "Uncle Omar's Anthaxy Sticks. It should have read, Anthraxy-Sticks. You know, like a pixie-stick, but with anthrax. You see it's funny because normally, um, yeah. Never mind. In regards to the Safest Halloween Ever. We haven't had this much mail over a story since our Princess Diana spread (and we do mean 'spread'). Was our piece in poor taste? Maybe. Was our piece a pathetic attempt to take advantage of a scary and dangerous situation? In a manner of speaking. Did our piece offend all and sundry in every manner possible? Perhaps. In light of this, we apologize if anyone found our safety advice for this year's Halloween inappropriate. We apologize for doing our part in trying to help our children be as safe as safe can be. We apologize for trying to give parents a few hints about avoiding untimely incidents. We apologize for trying to take care of our own. Believe us, this is the last time we ever attempt to help people out when they need help the most. Our public service days our over. Don't look to us to help you out of jams, get you off from criminal charges, or attend funerals involving your relatives. We're proud that we at least tried to help. That is something we will carry with us always. For the few who thanked us we will be forever in your debt (not financially, just emotionally - that's all we can afford). You've seen this line before, but it's still true. I'm tired man, papers got to go out. The rest of it looks true from my house. Best we can tell everything else is true, accurate and chock full of wisdom and/or nuts. |
Back to Front - Help us survive! - Contact us - Subscription Info - Submissions - Copyright Info - Webmasters