Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - Life is easier when you make it a double. If you just can't stomach it, at least have the decency to chase it with another single.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - You will retract your statement about mixers being for little girls after you choke down that cheap shit you got and wretch all over yourself.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - Women are like whisky…they’re cold and wet when you stick your rooster in them.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - If your livin’ life sober, your no friend of mine!

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Call me silly, but you haven’t lived until you’ve projectile vomited on a cat.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - Thanksgiving's just not Thanksgiving without some Wild Turkey.

Aries: (March 21-April 19) - It's so much easier to watch your wife getting pounded by the neighbor when you got a fifth of Jack.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - College girls are so much easier to bang when you get a couple shots in them. Not that they don't want to, just gives them the excuse they need, baby.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - It's not called "sophistication" when you say aloud, "I like my women like I like my whiskey, aged 20 years or less..."

Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - Remember, Cancer, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem... the longer you live in denial, the longer you can safely say you don't have a problem.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - A blended whiskey three-some does not consist of yourself, a scotch girl and a wild turkey gobble-gobbling your tenders. Ya wierdo.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - You're only a virgin until you get three fingers of Jim Beam in you.

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