Berrien Springs Village Council will sponsor a free inormational program to discuss menopause and hormone replacement therapy on Tuesday, November 9, at 7 p.m. in the meeting room at the township hall. The program will offer demonstrations of PMS-like activity from a handful of the area's women, along with a panel of women going through menopause. These women will be distinguished from other women because they will constantly be taking off clothing, only to put it back on later, as they are prone to suffer from hot and cold flashes. Menopause first aid kits will be supplied to the attendees, including bandages for the flesh wounds of husbands of menopause women, and handcuffs for those days when nothing works but restraint. It's a controversial decision to supply menopause women with such items, and the MMMW (Men Married to Menopause Women) group has put together their own safety kit, including such items as a 9 mm pistol, trash bag, and a shovel.

Marian Kiljoy, council member and menopause for life woman, will host the meeting. "We encourage every woman and her family to attend," she told Glossy News, smiling. Then she added, "And if they don't come, they can fucking go to hell!"

Hormone replacement therapy is a relatively new science which involves ovary transplants. The rest of the female sexual organs are removed and sold to Hormel Food Products.

Menopause usually occurs in women between the ages of 45 and 60. It is the leading cause of husband homicide, and the second leading cause of death for menopause women themselves, as they're so irritating that someone usually kills them.

Across the hall will be the men's meeting, for men married to menopause women. The program is titled, "I Married a Monster," and lectures deal with the proper way to survive menopause. Don Kiljoy, local fireman, will present a speech that the Urinal Era was lucky to preview. "When your wife gets hot, then cold, then hot and cold again, take this hammer and beat the hell out of her with it. I can guarantee that she won't be bitching about being hot and cold anymore. If that doesn't work, go out to the garage and get the chainsaw..."

Entertainment is planned, though Kiljoy would not specify what the entertainment would include, other than a female dancer. Tickets cost $10.00 at the door to cover the cost of the stripper, who's hardly the age to have her period, let alone go through menopause.

Reservations are not required, though they help if the doorwoman is going through menopause. Call 800-223-4PMS for details.