Vegetarian Zombies Hoping to Break Stigma

Vegetarian Zombies Hoping to Break Stigma
Halloween Special Report

Above: Zombies speak out about their difficult choices.

Decades of George Romero movies have placed in the collective conscience the idea that zombies are brainless remnants who feed on human flesh to survive. But there's a new sect of zombism that hopes to break that stigma by advancing themselves with higher learning and a new vegetarian diet. One such sect of these Vegezombies can be found in the heart of San Francisco, where Glossy News caught up with their President, Norman Flynn.

Flynn, who holds a doctorate in Nutrition from Stanford, told us he gave up eating human flesh once he learned the health risks of such a diet. Human flesh is high in protein, but if consumed regularly could increase the likelihood of stroke. "Plus it gave me terrible heartburn," Flynn said. "I was eating Tums (tm) like they were candy."

Zombies have traditionally fed on human flesh because it was believed the meat's protein kept zombies alive. But in the late 80's, noted zombie scientist Dr. Gary Williams experimented by restricting his diet to only fish and eggs. "Not only did I feel much better, but my pallor improved as well," he said. Despite his findings going against what many believed to be common knowledge, zombism kept pushing for human flesh. But during the mid-90's when fears of e-coli and salmonella disease ran rampant, other scientific-minded zombies opened up further studies on alternative diets.

Experiments initially failed on zombie mice who were only given cheese and rice to eat. The dead mice died after only two weeks of study. But when the next group of dead mice were given a balanced diet of grain, fruits, and vegetables, they thrived so much it was easy to mistake them for living mice.

College admission for zombies has also significantly increased over the past three years. In 1998, only four percent of the zombie population attended secondary schools, and of those, more than half were expelled for eating their classmates. This year, the number of zombies attending college has more than tripled, and many have taken advantage of cafeteria vegetarian menus.

"It's just not safe to eat people anymore," said a freshman zombie at UCLA. "I once ate the brain of one of my high school history teachers, thinking all his knowledge would help me on my SATs. But all it gave me was a terrible belly ache."

Dr. Flynn encourages society to accept this new view of zombism. "We realize that we're not nearly as frightening anymore, but we're still the same old dead remnants we've always been. We can still stagger along and moan and groan a lot and we still die if we're shot in the head. We're just no longer carnivores. It's no one's fault.

Meanwhile the American Medical Association has encouraged those zombies who still eat human flesh to make sure the meat is cooked to 160 degrees before consumption.

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