On Wednesday, September 11, Greg Graman was severely beaten in front of Firehouse 306 in New York when he walked by a large group of fire fighters and yelled “Hey guys, Happy Nine-Eleven Day”!

“I didn’t know what the hell happened," he explained, to reporters this morning, when the tube was finally removed from his throat. "I was walking along, and I saw a group of fire fighters standing outside the firehouse, and I wanted to show my appreciation like everyone else. Suddenly they all come after me like flies on rancid crap! They beat me like a piñata, trying to get a prize out of me! I guess I said the wrong thing, I mean, it IS a holiday, isn’t it?”

The situation did not improve for Greg, “I heard one guy suggest shoving a hose up my ass and turning it on. Then the cops showed up, and I was very glad they did, UNTIL the fire department guys told them what I had said. It was at that time the police informed me that they were going to ‘King me’, [as in ‘Rodney King’]. Everything kinda went black after that.”

Graman’s injuries included 23 broken bones, a concussion, several lacerations, and one only of a thoroughly flushed colon.

The official NYPD Police report on the incident stated that Gramman was “found in front of Firehouse 306, shoving a fire-hose up his own rectum and turning it on, then beating himself to the point of unconsciousness.”

“I tried to press charges, but there are no witnesses, and the guys in the police department won’t listen to my complaint, calling me “Water Boy”, “Squirt”, and "New Faithful", whatever that means. I decided to let it go.“

Greg shared his future plans to make it up to the city workers he insulted… “I noticed that a lot of the guys were African-American, so I thought I’d bring down a bunch of chicken and watermelon with nice cotton napkins on April 4th, so I could wish them a ‘Happy Martin Luther King Got Shot Day’“, THAT should make up for my stupid past behavior.”

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