A tree that has graced Capitol Hill since the 19th century came down Thursday, the victim of over aggressive squirrels.

The tree, more formally known as Senator Strom Thurmond, was rotten to the core, due to its infestation of vermin. Workers bearing chainsaws, wood chippers, and forklifts worked through the morning to take down the yellow buckeye, that had towered over many of the Senate's other trees. After chopping off the limbs, the final piece of torso hit the ground with a boom around lunchtime. The tree was then carted off in pieces as fellow Republican Senators looked on with a tear in their eye. All that was left by the end of the day was a hole filled with new dirt, as Senator Thurmond was replaced with Republican Bob Barr.

Senator Thurmond was planted in Capitol Hill sometime after a failed presidency run in the late 1940s. Unlike some of the trees on the grounds, he had not been planted for any special commemorative purpose. His arrival in Washington can be accredited to many southern racists who voted for him in South Carolina.

Thurmond's undoing was his appeal to vermin, southern tabaccer chewin racist homophobe hillbillies, who burrowed so deeply into his policies, penetrating the layer that transports water to Thurmond's many rings. As more southerners defended Thurmond's simian beliefs, the weaker he became, the older he grew, and the more out of date he seemed to voters out of his constituency. Groundskeepers had to spend a large amount of time tending to Thurmond, shearing his top limbs as they died of thirst. Eventually workers concluded the tree could become a hazard over the winter and decided it had to come down.

Thurmond's fall didn't come upon dry eyes, however. Many of his fellow Republicans remembered him in his glory.

Attorney General Ashcroft fondly remembers the days when he and Thurmond went out lynching together."Once," he said with a laugh, "Mrs. Thurmond put his white sheet in the wash with her red dress. Much to the dismay of his fellow Klansmen, Strom wore his pink sheet and hood proudly that night."

Former congressman Newt Gingrich echoes such sentiment, saying, "Senator Thurmond was a historic asset to our community, one that will be missed greatly. No one minded that he was petrified, or that he had earwigs crawling in and out of him. He was just a damn good Republican."

"Strom was once a healthy old stiff. Every time I saw him, he stood up straight, his head raised proudly saluting the American Flag," said Senate minority leader Trent Lott.

But Democrats were less than thrilled with the Senator's long life in Capitol Hill. "Yes, he always kept a stiff upper lip, and his head was always raised high, but half the time it was in the clouds," said California Senator Diane Feinstein. "Groundskeepers always had to bring him water, and once they even had to give him an enema, right there on the Senate floor as he argued for the re-segregation of public schools."

"It was time for him to go," commented Hillary Clinton (D-NY). "He had more rings in him than a New Yorker carrying a cell phone."

Thurmond, nicknamed Old Timber many years ago, was the oldest tree in Washington. The capital has not seen a tree fall to the ground since Vice President Dick Cheney fell down the Capitol Hill steps after suffering from his 53rd heart attack.

Sources tell Glossy News there's also a bush in bad shape just down the street at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Assuming the bush doesn't make an impressive recovery, plans are to remove it in November of 2004.

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