The world map has been redrawn after India won Kashmir by defeating Pakistan in a checkers match.
According to correspondents on the ground, India pulled off a close victory by eliminating several red kings from the gameboard, leaving Pakistan boxed in and helpless.
With few options remaining, the northern country sadly agreed to surrender the game, as well as its presence in Kashmir.
Immediate reactions were mixed. On the streets in Bombay and Delhi, millions of citizens celebrated their country’s historic victory, with many pledging to do away with their Chess boards in honor of checkers’ role in their massive triumph.
Residents of Pakistan were not as thrilled, however. Countless nationalists took to the streets and lit their beards on fire, screaming hysterically when, for some odd reason, they began to burn.
Other activists smashed checkers boards across main roads, tears streaming from their faces. One stopped a contingency of the press corps to shriek “We shall only play Candyland! Mark my words—Candyland!”
Leagues apart in England, an observing British-Indian who owns shares of Checkers Inc. described the victory as “Positively quaint, with an Amish touch. This development is much to my fancy.”
A group describing itself as “The Coalition for Chutes and Ladders’ Dignity” took Pakistan’s side and issued a harsh condemnation of the match, which its leader says “Took advantage of the innocence of Chutes and Ladders by ignoring its relevance in the battlefield of conflict resolution.”
Sources suggest the Monopoly Man may be preparing a lawsuit against India to recoup his losses after Checkers’ stock soared and Monopoly’s sunk.