TOKYO- The Prime Minister of Japan, Yoshihiko Noda, announced that his country will be discontinuing the use of nuclear energy and will also be shopping for giant monster insurance policies.
The decision was widely expected after the disastrous earthquake that left the Fukushima power plant a veritable spawning pool for giant radioactive monsters.
Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.
Yoshihiko Noda explained to reporters “We can no longer live in fear for these disasters. Japan’s terrain is not stable enough to safely procure nuclear energy. With giant fissures left after the earthquake and the nuclear waste that was trapped in them, there is no telling what possible giant creatures could be incubating underground. That is why I am moving to protect Japan now, and in the future by purchasing a suitable policy.”
Leading economic experts agree that this is the suitable choice for Japan.
“There is no doubt that the Japanese people have endured an unprecedented level of tragedy,” explains president of Global Insurance Specialists, Damon L. Nasman.
“But they certainly don’t deserve any more trials and tribulations. Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in. Uncertainty is still a continuing problem, especially in regards to the question of weather or not giant mosters will be produced from the amount of radiation the island has been exposed to. This is the best course of action for the country, although their premiums will be considerably high.”
Japan’s Defense Minister, Satoshi Morimoto praised the move by the parliament. He stated, “I am not sure if the Japanese military would be capable of defending the country agains such a monstrous attack. Also, there is no way to depend on one of the monsters feeling empathetic towards humanity enough to defend us from the others.”
There is speculation on the actual applications of the policy.
The Minister of Economy, Yukio Edano, warned his fellow country men of the dangers associated with such an abstract insurance policy. He advised that caution should be shown to assess the individual policy plans to make sure they cover “all damage,” not just damage cause by offending monsters, but damage caused by monsters alligned with the Japanese people as well.
“Insurance companies are in the business of making money. It’s not that I think this idea is absurd, it’s that I want the Japanese people to realize the rates we will be paying for a disaster that may never come to be. I just want the parliament to adequately pay for a program that we need, and not pay for any extra features like roadside assistance or settle for a company who offers them an appliance for signing up. This is serious business.”
There have not been any reports or sightings of giant radioactive monsters in Japan as of yet, but that hasn’t stopped citizens expressing their fears of a possible giant monster battle tearing apart the streets of Tokyo.
Yoshihiko Noda issued reassurance to the population of Japan by stating, “Your government has your interests at heart. We know that the threat of giant monsters is a fear consuming every one, but do not worry. Your government is protecting you.”
Why didn’t anyone think of this one already?
Especially me!