ISLAMABAD – [Glossy News] – The recent demise of Osama Bin Laden has left a vacuum at the heart of Al Qaeda, the world’s foremost terrorist organization.
There is no shortage of ambitious would-be Public Enemy Number One’s to fill the void however, and they are currently jostling for position in what has been dubbed the “Race to the Shite House.”
In pole position, and enjoying his newly acquired World Number One Terrorist title, is Ayman Al-Zawahiri. His campaign, slogan “let Al Qaeda be Al Qaeda again” promises a return to traditional fundamentalist values.
“For too long now we’ve let the progressive jihadists take [Al Qaeda] dangerously to the left. I say it’s time to get us back to our core values; murdering infidels, stoning adulterers and setting sensible levels of taxation. Not forgetting, of course, death to America!”
In second position in the polls is Abu Yahya al-Libi, who is running on a ticket of “compassionate fundamentalism.” He insists that this is not a contradiction in terms. “Fundamentalism can also be caring,” states al-Libi. “I’m advocating the use of more comfortable, padded bomb vests, as well as free health care for all successful suicide bombers, and a free T-shirt for all unsuccessful ones. Oh, and death to America.”
Then there is the fresh-faced challenger, Anwar al-Awlaki, hoping to ride to victory on the wave of populist appeal and the youth vote. His campaign slogan, “Jihad we can believe in,” has caught the imagination of many young would-be terrorists. Charismatic and charming, al-Awlaki is famous for his campaign rallies where his adoring crowd demonstrates their love for him with cries of “YES WE CAN [blow ourselves up in a pointless and futile act of mass murder].”
His campaign has faltered recently, however, after one of his challengers demanded to see al-Awlaki’s birth certificate. Despite his protests to the contrary, it was revealed that he was in fact born in America.