WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that occupies most of northern Alaska adjacent to the oil wells in Prudhoe Bay, the Southern Petroleum Reserve will serve as an ongoing source of oil in the case of a national emergency.
The entire entity formerly know as the “Gulf Of Mexico” now has a higher percentage of oil than water and can no longer be considered a body of water. The U.S. considers the Reserve as its possession, the justification being that the oil from the BP drilling belonged to the U.S., the oil now composes the Gulf, therefore the Gulf belongs to the U.S. much in the same logic that the oil under Iraq now belongs to the U.S.
Arguments questioning this sudden ownership have been raised by Mexico and Cuba, but the U.S. has firmly stated that if they want a cut then they need to go pollute their own ocean, a suggestion Mexico is seriously considering with its wells on the Pacific coast. Great Britain has also lodged a claim to the oil-soaked Gulf since BP is a British company, inciting a strong response from U.S. authorities.
American interests are threatening a second Revolutionary War if England should so much as suck up a drop of oil.
“Its ours!” shouted General Barnard Machisamo to reporters at a press conference. “They need to keep their limey paws off our oil! They already tried to take over the whole Mideast after World War II and look at what a mess that is now. Let them get their feet into the Gulf and we will have to fight the whole Battle Of New Orleans over again.” (For the many historical illiterate among us please just Google “Battle Of New Orleans” and don’t pester us with dippy questions.)
American battleships await off the Florida coast in case of a Falklands-style British invasion. ( Again, Google “Falklands War”). The U.S. Navy has announced that it will rid the new Reserve of any pesky marine life still surviving in the spillage so that they will not threaten the quality of the oil pouring into the area.
The rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is siphoning oil out of the ocean could lead to World War III starting in the Western Hemisphere.