Anytown, USA (GlossyNews) — Kirk Hassenbaum was always a shining example of bleeding heart liberalism. He went to a Liberal Arts college, traveled Europe with the backpack and Birkenstocks crowd, read poetry in coffee houses in San Francisco, rode a Greenpeace boat to a whale slaughter and even had a gay best friend for a while. But after he got a job working for a major corporation and invested in a sweet house in the trendiest part of the city, his bleeding heart started to heal,especially when a foreclosed home at the end of the street was rented to a “family” of 29 Mexicans, and the owner of the next house walked away and two junk cars appeared in the driveway.
One day, while feigning a walk around the front yard to keep an eye on the encroaching “invasion of the property value snatchers,” a tiny racist appeared on Hassenbaum’s right shoulder and a miniature liberal on the other.
Racist: Just look at them. You worked your ass off and you’ll be underwater on your mortgage in a year if this continues.
Liberal: Oh my goodness, what’s the worry. These are nice people, they are just like you, trying to make a living.
Racist: Well at least your not living off them-they’re taking your hard-earned tax money and living it up.
Liberal: Illegal immigrants can’t get welfare.
Racist: They get free school and meals and your sky-high property taxes are paying for it.
Liberal: Don’t you want them to at least be able to read?
Racist: You don’t care about them–you care about you. What are you going to do when this neighborhood is overrun by those cockroaches. You know why you only see 10 of them in the front yard right now? Because the other 19 are in the house making more babies. They are going to suck you dry until there is nothing left and you are out in the street. Who’s gonna care about you then?
Liberal: It’s all about love. Let’s just love each other for a change. All you need is love. Love is the best medicine. Remember love? Love love love!
Racist: Love yourself. What’s wrong with that?
About that time a low riding car came by with a vibrating bmmm bmmm bmmm loud enough to rattle the windows. It was so loud the pistol shot was barely heard. Hassenbaum collapsed to the ground with a bullet hole through his heart that was now bleeding profusely. “A fucking drive by“, he thought, “Can you believe that shit? Those God-damned Mexicans.”
Liberal: Love love love-just remember love…
Racist: See, I told you and now you’re dead…
Hassenbaum closed his eyes and breathed his last breath as Kirk Hassenbaum. When he opened them he found himself helpless on a dirt floor in a shack in Guatemala looking into a young Mother’s tearful but beautiful brown eyes.