An intellectual discussion on capital punishment, how foreign talk is turning us gay

Some people have brought up the issue of morality considering the death penalty. Some even have the audacity to say that “thou shall not kill” is an integral part of the Bible. To these heretics I respond with a decisive nay.

When God says “thou shall not kill” it is the same as your Dad saying, “Thou shall not teepee Mr. Johnson’s house or “thou shall not play Call of Duty when there is Call of Homework”.

Dad merely suggests not doing those things. He’ll still love you no matter what you do.

That leaves the listener to decide “ok I won’t teepee Mr. Johnson’s house that badly, or I will not completely shirk my homework duties by playing Call of Duty. In this manner it is called upon us as a Christian nation to merely not kill so many people that we will be struck down, but just enough so we can get rid of most of the minorities… and the Democrats.

An argument oft paraded by anti-American hooligans: the death penalty actually cost much more than life in prison

I have a quick fix solution to this problem. To begin with we need to establish a much less just system of law. Where has the world come to where prisoners actually want to make multiple appeals to save their own skin!?! How selfish and unpatriotic of them.

Don’t they know that the death penalty and American go together like oil and penguins? Don’t they know that?

I say get rid of these silly appeals for life. If a judge says the penalty is death than let the death be right after he proclaims the punishment. Literally right after as I suggest that the chair that the accused be sitting in have 10,000 volts running through it so that the judge can just push a giant red Staples “EASY” button and ZAPP; problem solved.

No more costly appeals and our death penalty budget could be cut into many tiny pieces and help reduce the national debt so we can have a bigger military! See it all comes together.

Heck we don’t even need a chair! Just make sure a police officer runs down to the local Salvation Army to get a 5 dollar bean bag chair. Than just run an assortment of wires around and woopdeedoo; you got a 10 buck bean bag assassin. This money saving scheme would make the fiscally conservatives literally want to kiss us.

Except not too literally cuz man kissings only for homosexuals… and Democrats.

Bring up that 139 countries do not use the death penalty

I respond to this by asking, “Would you jump off a bridge if 139 foreigners were jumping while singing their little foreign songs and dancing their little foreign dances?”

You might respond with, “Yeah if there’s a fire,” and then I would have to respond by punching you; but normal people like the Anglo Saxon protestant conservative male NRA member than would respond with, “hell naw” and then go off to fulfilling the American dream at his or her local KKK rally.

I mean if America was like the rest of the world than we would have to speak foreign talk! No one likes foreign talk [CITATION NEEDED].

But that’s a subject for another rant titled, “how foreign talk is turning us gay”.

If we abandon the American tradition of the death penalty, who knows what other American traditions will next be scheduled for demolition by the Village People… Is anything safe anymore?

If you didn’t know, there’s already a brutal war on Christmas. When will the wars end so we can have peace and go back to our real wars! And none of these little “Oh lets go kill the goat herders war”. We need a big freedom spreading communist crushing world war!

Except only against Cuba…. China has Ipads and Vietnam created Flappy Bird to play on those iPads. To retain America’s proud traditions I would go so far as proclaiming a need for doing the exact opposite of every other country in the world on every issue!

Except if they’re China or Vietnam because where would the world be without Flappy Bird, Splashy Fish, Flappy Duck, and the many blatant, derivative knock offs? Don’t answer that question, you logical atheists… or you Democrats.

I think I have made my points clear-

-with my well-constructed arguments and my on topic rants on how America is being taken over by the liberals. I don’t know how you could possibly disagree with my well-reasoned and logical arguments. Shut up Democrats…

Author: Chase Polak