A Low Point for President Jesus

WASHINGTON – It has been a tough couple of months for President Jesus in the wake of the problem-plagued launch of the government’s HumanKindness.gov website and continuing criticism of his efforts to address the issues of unemployment and poverty in the United States.

House and Senate Republicans continued to pound the president over the implementation of his administration’s signature Love Thy Neighbor Act, commonly referred to as Jesuscare.

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The program, which is aimed at enabling those in need of acts of human kindness to obtain them from a range of private human kindness providers, has been slammed by critics on both sides of the political aisle.

“Jesuscare has been a train wreck, just as we predicted,” said Senator Ted Herod (R-TX). “The government should not be in the business of providing human kindness to people. That’s the job of business and of the free market.”

Meanwhile, liberals have attacked the president’s program for not going far enough to ensure that every American has access to human decency. “When he was elected, President Jesus asked all Americans to love their neighbors as themselves and to help the neediest among us,” said Sen. Bernie Iscariot (I-VT). “Instead he has bowed to the status quo, handing a giant paycheck to private businesses in the human suffering sector.”

Former Alaska governor Sarah Impalin mocked the president’s recent remarks during a speech in which he called upon Americans to “give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.”

“Gosh, I guess President Jesus thinks we should just be giving money away to anyone who asks for it,” Gov. Impalin said. “You don’t have to work for it, folks. Here you go. Free money. Well, that’s a great way to get freeloaders to vote for you, but it sure isn’t what our country’s founders had in mind when they created this great nation of ours.”

“President Jesus also said that you can’t serve both God and mammon,” Gov. Impalin laughed. “What the heck is that about, huh? I guess professors like him need to use fancy words that normal Americans like us don’t understand.”

Responding to the president’s comment during the same speech that “if a person asks for your tunic, you should give that person your cloak as well,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McPilate said, “The president is promoting a massive redistribution of tunic and cloak wealth in this country that threatens the very foundations of our capitalist system.”

The president also continues to be criticized with regard to his foreign policy, including his recent outreach to leaders in Iran and Cuba. Sen. John McCaiaphas (R-AZ) commented: “President Jesus keeps saying, ‘Love your enemies. Do not hate. Be reconciled.’ Well, to me, that sounds a lot like what Neville Chamberlain said about Hitler.”

Finally, Sen. Herod said that he and several of his Republican colleagues would soon be introducing a bill in Congress calling for the crucifixion of President Jesus. But congressional experts said that even if such a bill were able to make it through both the House and Senate, the president would be almost certain to veto it.

In a surprising announcement, however, President Jesus said that in the interests of bipartisanship he would be open to negotiating with the Republicans on their crucifixion proposal, terming such an outcome of his presidency “probably inevitable.”