Republicans Force Illegal Immigrants out of the Country–305 Million to Leave Immediately

WASHINGTON D.C.–In a historic, and extremely surprising, turn of events for the land of the free and home of the brave, almost 90% of its diverse population has now found itself without a country or a home.

Yesterday, on Capitol Hill, Republican lawmakers successfully pushed through sweeping immigration reform with far-reaching implications.

“This is a real victory for America and all true Americans!” said Arizona governor Jan Brewer. “Sure, most of us have to leave but we’ve sent a clear message today: you can’t just come into this country, start acting like it’s your own, and take what’s not yours. Illegal immigrants and their children will finally be held accountable.”

Moving 305 million people has already turned into a logistical nightmare of epic proportions, but federal officials are working in tandem with local authorities to make sure every non-native person returns to one of the countries in their ancestry.

The German and British government (the two countries with the largest percentage of descended immigrants) have responded to the new policy with language that couldn’t be included in this article. But basically, they said they’re unable to accept and provide for such an inordinate amount of people at this time.

Native Americans living in both Hawaii and the contiguous United States, however, took the news as one might expect–with excessive and extreme tomfoolery all night long.

“How?! How is this possible?” one incredulous Cherokee asked reporters in between swigs of champagne. “Whatever you might have called me in the past is past; you can call me a Republican now! Ha ha! Here’s to immigration reform!”

The new Native American government, who will officially take the reins of power next month, is allowing a couple of minority groups to stay, since many of them were brought over against their will.