California Implements “Purina Food Stamp” Program

Sinking Ship, CA – In a progressive move, the California Senate approved a law to provide for California Purina Stamps for pets. The law goes into effect on January 1, 2013.

Pet owners whose pets no longer possess the instinct for hunting and gathering will be provided for in a program similar to standard food stamp programs.

“This is a great day for California’s pets” Senator Alex Padilla, said enthusiastically. “It’s time for the 1% of the pets who chase vermin away from crops or who herd and/or protect farm animals from predators to start to look out for the other 99% of the pets who can no longer do those things.

This program will mandate that their owners provide a little extra revenue so that these poor 99% don’t fall too far outside of society’s realms.”

Senator Tom Berryhill of Fresno spoke passionately against the bill and called a news conference to further express his frustration. “Every morning my constituent pets wake up and perform duties. They’re protecting crop, chasing away predators from sheep, cattle, and other animals, and are consistently putting themselves in danger.”

“We had an incident,” the senator explained, “where a poor dog was bitten by a rattle snake because he was trying to stop the snake from going after baby chicks.” He reassured the audience that “the little guy is going to be okay.”

The senator explained that he couldn’t understand why the dog’s food and pleasure intake would be cut because his pet parent/pet boss must provide for “some lazy dog that has never seen a rattler or any other predator.”

The constituents of the opposing districts seemed to side with their representative.

In a dog park in Padilla’s district, the dogs lay under various trees not bothered by such activities as playing and catching balls. Their owners sat next to them. Some dogs, it was noted, were brought to the park in a child’s wagon or in bike trailers. When picked up and placed on the ground a few began howling. Their owners picked them up and either placed them back into the wagons and trailers to return home or placed them under a shaded area to relax.

This reporter walked around the neighborhood and found that many pet owners of varying kinds were happy about the new law, “My cat don’t chase rats and mice anymore so we need some kind of help” said one constituent. “She used to mouse all the time, you know. But I didn’t like it. ‘Cause it was hard just watching her work. Then, she’d be like, bringing the mouse to me half dead like she all proud of herself for a job well done.”

The constiuent explained that the “gift” from her pet caused her to “scream and throw stuff at her [pet] ‘cause I don’t want her bringing that kind of stuff around here.”

The constiuent explained that “it took a long time to destroy her instinct to hunt and gather but she stopped trying to capture her own prey eventually.” Several giant rats scurried down the street as we spoke. “Look at them fat things,” the speaker said, “you’d think the government would do something about all these fat rats around here.”

In the Berryhill’s district public seniment was the opposite. The Berryhill voter opened his interview by sending a projectile missle of spit to the ground. “I’m so mad I had to do that,” he said–his dogs looking off into the distance at a herd of sheep.

“I been up since 4:00 am walking around just cursing the day that CA legislature was formed,” he added. While he was speaking, his dogs noticed that some sheep were wandering too far from the heard and they raced after the sheep barking and gently guiding them back into the circle. “Gizmo and Gadget,” his dogs, “just want to earn their keep and keep their earnings,” he said as the dogs circled the sheep, “ but now they ain’t allowed to earn a decent living because everything that they do they must give to some lazy city dog.” He spat one last projectile and walked away.

State Senator Lou Correa explained that the Purina Stamp Program isn’t a free give away. “The application process for the California Purina Stamp Program isn’t as easy as the 99% make it out to be,” he protested. “First, you have to have a veterinarian do an MRI or CAT scan to make sure that the pet’s brain is sufficiently atrophied. If the brain is still of a normal size, then it shows that the animal still has self-sufficient instincts; those are not the kind of pets that we want on the program.

“Next,” he added, “you have to have the animal’s weight tested. Obviously, obesity alone is not a factor but couple it with the atrophied brain and we have a perfect candidate for California Purina Stamps. It shows that they are sufficiently sedentary and will likely never reverse their actions. Finally, if at all possible, we don’t want spayed/neutered animals. We want the pets to continue having litters so that we can grow the program to demonstrate its success.”

Many of California’s Senators are proud of this new initiative. Hearing of the program, Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi chimed, “We look forward to introducing this program on a national forum. After all,” she added “what starts in California ends up across the nation. “