Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling

WASHINGTON – With the 2012 U.S. election now nearly a week old, Republican politicians are beginning to wonder how long it will take for their Democratic rivals to wipe the shit-eating grins off their faces and return to normal.

“It was understandable the first day or two after the election,” said Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.), “but now it’s starting to get kind of annoying.”

“Right, okay. We get it already. You’re happy,” noted Rep. Walter Jones (R-N.C.). “Now get over it, and let our Republican Congressional majority start making you miserable again.”

“And it’s not just their smiling that’s irksome,” added Rep. Vern Buchanan (R-Fla.). “It’s all the damn statistics that they can’t seem to stop quoting. I mean, you can’t turn around without seeing one Democrat slapping another on the back and saying, ‘Did you see the overwhelming support that President Obama had among single women?’ or ‘Do you know how great we did among young urban Hispanic men with a post-graduate education?'”

“Really, enough,” sighed Rep. Steve Scalise (R-La.). “I can’t take it anymore. Yesterday one of my Democratic colleagues came running up to me excitedly and said, ‘Isn’t it interesting that President Obama won all of the states that begin with the word ‘new’ like New York, New Hampshire, New Jersey and New Mexico, but he lost all the states that begin with a geographic direction, like North Dakota, South Dakota, North Carolina, South Carolina and West Virginia?'”

“I told him, no, it’s not interesting,” Rep. Scalise said. “It’s pathetic. Get a life, for God’s sake.”

When asked for a comment, the office of Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla.), Chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, said she was unable to respond due to a temporormandibular joint disorder in her jaw resulting from prolonged ear-to-ear grinning.