Romney Reaches Out to the Nation’s Dead People

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move designed to kick-start his flagging presidential campaign Friday, Mitt Romney reached out to the nation’s dead people during a visit to a cemetery in the state of Virginia.

Aiming to refocus his campaign after a series of setbacks this past week, the former Massachusetts governor addressed over 300 deceased voters in what was a rescheduled campaign stop this morning.

Trailing President Barack Obama by 7 percentage points in the most recent poll, the Romney campaign believes that its most realistic chance of taking the White House in November is “gaining the support of a demographic that is no longer even a demographic.”

“I need your support on November 6,” Romney told a crowd of unregistered, lifeless voters. “The President doesn’t believe in the rights of dead people. He would rather have you all buried in cramped cemeteries which would rely on government subsidies for their upkeep. I’m not going to do that.”

In a prolonged conversation with local woman Hettie Ball (1917-2004), Romney pledged that under his watch, people like her wouldn’t have to settle for granite-marble mix headstones, insisting that America’s dead would get the opportunity to work their way up to platinum tombstones instead.

“A Romney administration would not let the weeds around your final resting place overgrow,” he continued. “In fact, we would work tirelessly to ensure that only the very best flowers would grow around your soulless bodies for all eternity.”

Meanwhile, the Obama campaign today seized on Mr. Romney’s latest address, saying that “Mr. Romney hadn’t been clear with the deceased as to how he will actually implement all of his proposals. Especially the proposal to cut unemployment among the dead.”

That aside, Romney was able to touch upon his campaign promise of putting almost half of all Americans into plush, well-cared-for cemeteries over the next four years.